Random, I know.

Nevertheless, over at MPT blog the topic of the bible and polygamy came up in the comment section and it prompted me to read more about why God permitted polygamy.

I found some articles about the topic to mull over, and I’ve listed them below (along with some excerpts) in case you wanted to mull over them as well. Enjoy.

From John Piper:

Jesus, I think, clarified for us that marriage is one man and one woman, as it was in the beginning in Genesis 2:24. So that the divorce features of Deuteronomy were “given for the hardness of your heart, but it was not always so. And so now I don’t want you to do what they were doing.”

I think polygamy fits into that same paradigm. God tolerated polygamy among the patriarchs. He never in the Old Testament communicated, “Stop doing that,” except by implication from Genesis 2.

But when Jesus comes along and they present him with some of these marital adjustments from Deuteronomy, Jesus says, “Well I understand that Moses gave you that provision, but I’m taking it away!”

So Jesus’ standards are higher. So there’s progression by regression. “Let’s go back to Genesis 2, see the way God set it up, realize that he tolerated this cultural adaptation, and now don’t that anymore.”

Source: When a polygamist is converted what should he do about his marriages?

From Got Questions:

So, it seems that God may have allowed polygamy to protect and provide for the women who could not find a husband otherwise. A man would take multiple wives and serve as the provider and protector of all of them. While definitely not ideal, living in a polygamist household was far better than the alternatives: prostitution, slavery, or starvation. In addition to the protection/provision factor, polygamy enabled a much faster expansion of humanity, fulfilling God’s command to “be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth” (Genesis 9:7).

Source: Why Did God Allow Polygamy?

From John MacArthur:

Believe me, God wanted monogamy.  Look at his illustration in Hosea: he’s a faithful husband; Israel’s an unfaithful wife. That’s been God’s pattern all the way.  One husband, one wife.  No polygamy was ever good.

Source: Why did God allow polygamy in the Old Testament?

Have an article to add? Link it below in the comments.

Vows of the Groom

I, Peter David Bradrick, covenant before God and man, to you Kelly Jeannette to be your loving husband, and to lead you, to protect you, and provide for you in the fear of the Lord. I vow to love you as my wife even as Christ also loved the church, to lay down my life for you; to wash you with the water of the Word; to love you as my own body and to nourish and cherish you even as the Lord the does the church; to render unto you the affection due you, knowing that I do not have authority over my own body but you do; to dwell with you according to knowledge, giving honor unto you, as unto the weaker vessel, and living together with you as heirs together of the grace of life. You alone will be my delight as the wife of my youth. I will fight for you, for our sons, for our daughters, and for our household. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I pledge to you my life as a loyal and faithful husband.

Vows of the Bride

I, Kelly Jeannette, covenant before God and man, to you Peter David Bradrick to be your loyal wife and to submit myself under your headship. Just as the Church is subject to Christ, so I will be to you in everything. I will live first unto our God and then unto you, loving you, caring for you, obeying you, and ever seeking to please you as my earthly lord. I will be your discreet, chaste keeper at home, diligently, industriously, and faithfully caring for the affairs of your household so that your heart may always safely trust in me. If the Lord chooses to so bless us, it will be my delight to be your fruitful bearer of children, and I will help you diligently teach them the commandments of the Lord as we talk of them in your house, as we walk by the way, when we lie down, and when we rise up. Wherever you go, I will go; and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, And your God, my God. The Lord do so to me, and more also, If anything but death parts you and me. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife.

Source.

Seven Years.

He’s still a goof (and so am I)…

He still makes me laugh…

And he still makes me love…

{swoon}

Happy seven years baby.  I love you and am so thankful for your wisdom, your passion for family, your humor, your “Mr. Fix-it” abilities, your work ethic, your legs (wink wink) and your mad chocolate chip cookie baking skillz.

From one “Otterhalf” to another…

XOXO

…

On another note, Like a Warm Cup of Coffee’s exclusive sponsor for the month of August is none other than the fabulous Red Letter Words.  I so very much heart Dee and her ‘cool word art’ that I hope you will click on the different links provided throughout the month that will showcase her work.   There may also be a giveaway or two {ahem}, so make sure to check back each day!

Photos by Emily Rose Brookshire

The tagline of the Completing Him series says, “Becoming the woman your man needs.”

I think it’s catchy and cute and fits perfectly with the challenge.
However…

a reader mentioned her disappointment with the word ‘becoming’ saying, “I don’t have to become what my husband needs, I already am, that’s why he married me.”

Valid point, wouldn’t you say?

Read the whole post over at Women Living Well today…

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Today is a guest post from Kela (fellow 516 gal).  Love her.  Enjoy.

How selfish am I? That is a question that I’ve asked myself periodically in my marriage. I’d been withholding my love from my husband and not even known it.

You may ask, “Just how have you been selfish and withholding your love?” Some of the answer may be obvious…sex; but other things weren’t so obvious at first glance. I had to sit there and stare to see it at first.

It’s true that I am a woman with thoughts, emotions and feelings but God brought me to the realization that I’m to put those things aside or throw them away if I am not obedient to His Word first. The Scripture passage that He used to bring it to light was Ephesians 5:24, “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”

Yeah, yeah. I’ve skimmed that verse dozens of times. It was in the heat of feeling wounded that “In everything” was laid in my lap. What was I going to do with that? God, please. (Imagine my head and eyes rolling at this point). Uh huh, I went there with Him.

“Do you know what he just said to me?”, I said to my Daddy (Abba Father). His response…”I know full well what he said to you. He doesn’t even know that he hurt you. You just read My Word and you have a choice to make. Either you can sit there and sulk and be disobedient or you can go and grab your husband and apologize for having a bad attitude toward him. I’m your rewarder when you’re obedient. Your goal is to first please me. Love him like I love him (and you for that matter).”

WHOA! I couldn’t argue with that (nor did I want to). At that point I realized that selfishness had played a major role in my attitude toward my husband. It was all about me and how my needs weren’t being met, how he was being insensitive to me, how I’m not the one at fault in this.

Two words; “IN EVERYTHING” transformed the way I thought about my response to my husband. There were and are continually choices to be made in handling situations: be obedient to God’s Word and He will reward me. My attitude is not to be contingent on my husband’s obedience to God’s Word.

Kela is truly a Daddy’s girl (Abba Father). Has been for almost 15 years now. She has a major crush on her best friend and husband, Brian for over 15 years. She is the mother and homeschooler of six wild and crazy kids (but they do know how to act in public). First on her list of things to do every morning is to brew a cup of delicious coffee and spend time with God She and her husband have a heart for helping and enriching the marriages of those around them by being mentors.
She can be found at Pursuing What is Excellent writing about marriage, children and whatever else God is breathing into her to pour out to others.

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I trust today’s post in the hands of my very talented and wise friend Kristi. Kristi has been married to her best friend for seven years. She is on a quest to love Christ more as she makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, kisses boo-boos, irons mountains of shirts, and cleans cheerios out of the vents. She loves to study and teach God’s Word and writes daily at Run the Earth, Watch the Sky. You can also find her on twitter.

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If this is why I was created, why then is it so hard to fulfill? Why is it so hard to love my husband?

Sometimes I wonder what Adam and Eve’s relationship was like for that brief span of time before they rebelled against God. They were literally made for each other. Both of them awoke into consciousness in the presence of their Creator. They lived in a glorious world, in a beautiful garden designed for them by God. They had no sin, no selfishness, no baggage from their past. Perfect trust, perfect intimacy, perfect unity.

One choice to rebel against God shattered it all.

Shame. “…they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.” Genesis 3:7
Broken intimacy. “…the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God…” Genesis 3:8
Blame. “The man said, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.’” Genesis 3:12

Sin came crashing into the deepest recesses of their hearts. Sin came crashing into paradise.

Genesis 3:14-19 contains what is known as the curse – God’s judgments on the creation He loved in response to their rebellion. The curse brought physical death which mirrored the spiritual death Adam and Eve had already experienced. It brought thorns and thistles – frustration and futility in man’s God-given work. The woman would suffer increased pain in childbearing. Most pertinent to our discussion, though, is the second half of Genesis 3:16.

“Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you.”

That word “desire” is very interesting. The word in the Hebrew means “stretching out after, a yearning, a longing, a desire.” It is used only three times in the Old Testament- once in Song of Solomon, once here in Genesis 3:16, and once in Genesis 4:7. When we flip over to Genesis 4:7, we find this word used in the account of Cain killing his brother Abel. God tells him that “sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” “Desire” here carries the idea of control - sin wants to control you, but you have to master it.

With that deeper understanding of “desire,” this verse becomes vivid to me. Because of the curse, I do not want to be my husband’s loving helper. I want to be my husband’s ruler. Women are constantly struggling to control their husbands, and history has played out the fact that men have responded many times by becoming oppressively dominant or weak and  passive.

Because of that painful history behind us, many of us struggle with the thought of being a loving helper. We struggle with it because we live in a broken world and we battle with our human nature that is bent toward sin. Because of the curse, we constantly find ourselves struggling to dominate. In addition, so many of us have been wounded by perversions of male headship – men who have fought back in the battle for domination and have done so by suppressing, abusing, or neglecting women.

Men are broken and sinful, too.

There is good news, though! God did not abandon us in our sin and brokenness.

One of the most commonly referred to passages regarding the topic of Biblical marriage is Ephesians 5:22-33. If you are familiar with this passage, you know that wives are told to submit to their husbands, and husbands are told to love their wives.

But that’s not all.

I love Ephesians 5:25-27.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”

Christ gave Himself up for us.
In order to sanctify us.
He cleanses us with the Word.
He is preparing us to be His holy and blameless bride.

Are you struggling to love your husband? Are you dealing with sin, shame, broken intimacy, and blame? Do you battle with your own desire to control your husband and resistance to the idea of being his helper?

Being sanctified and cleansed is a process. It is a process that necessitates that we sit in the presence of Jesus, that we let Him cleanse us with the pure water of His Word. Be real with Him. You aren’t able to do this alone.

Lord, cause me to love my husband.
Teach me what it looks like to submit to him out of reverence for You.
I struggle with fear, teach me to trust You.
I feel ashamed – cover me with your righteousness and cleanse me from my sin.
I am in the habit of blaming him – show me where I need to take responsibility, and teach me to forgive him.

I am broken and sinful – and so is my husband.

I have found that when I wrestle with my own deep fears, sin, and desire to control, that God grants me eyes of compassion for my husband. For when I am honest about my own failures, I am more likely to pray for him than to blame him. When I entrust my fears to God, I can be freed to love and help my husband rather than control him.

We still live in a broken world. We still wrestle with our sinful nature. But Jesus will wash away the guilt and shame, and we no longer need to cast blame. He can free us to love.

“…train the young women to love their husbands…” Titus 2:4

Marriage is hard, because being a sinner and loving a sinner is hard.  Writing this post is hard because I know that I fail and fall way short when it comes to loving my husband.

But it is the first command in Titus 2:4…it is listed before loving my children, so I know it is important, and therefore I must persevere.

Loving my husband.

So how can I love my husband well?

I looked up love in relation to this passage, and you know what I found?  This is the type of love (Philos) that is a friendly love – a companionship love.

I am to be my husband’s companion…his beloved companion.

It is why I was created.

“But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him…And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man…”  Genesis 2:20,22

I am my husband’s helper-completer.

He was not made for me, I was made for him.  So there it is, my first clue in loving him well – actively being his helper and companion, seeking and supporting his vision as I complete him as a person and in his work.

As his beloved companion, I am committed to giving myself, heart, mind, and body, to him and no other man.  “…your husband is the one to whom your exclusive, intimate fellowship and sexual responses belong.”  Barbara Mouser, Five Aspects of Woman

If this is why I was created, why then is it so hard to fulfill?  Why is it so hard to love my husband?

Friday…the curse.

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The lovely and talented  Lisa-Jo  (The Gypsy Mama) offered to write a post for me during my whatever-the-heck-aches-and-pains-headache-thing I have going on.  She’s great.  Here it is, enjoy…

When my husband grabs our sons amidst shrieks of delight and tackles them with love and outlandish wrestling maneuvers en route to bed my heart wants to jump out of my body and do the happy dance.

He is their hero. I love that they get that. But he was mine first, even if it took me a while to figure that out.

My husband is not tall. He is, however, dark and handsome. But that’s where his resemblance to the Prince Charming of my favorite books and movies ends. It’s not that I expected him to swashbuckle, ride a horse or sport a suit of armor.  My newly-married Prince Charming expectations were more subtle than that.

It’s taken me years to unravel and escape them.

I expected that a husband would intuitively know what I was thinking without needing to be told. I sulked when he couldn’t figure out what I wanted him to do and then sulked some more when he didn’t understand why I was sulking. I resented his inability to understand my whims. And no matter what his own day was like, I expected he would arrive home when the mood occurred to me just in time to sweep me off my feet with flowers and candlelight.

I did not expect all the extra dirty socks and dishes.

Because I had unwittingly bought what the movies were selling – silver screen romantic perfection wrapped up in the ability to please every unspoken desire in a neat 120 minute package – I was disappointed. I was also blind to the fact that I had reduced my husband to a means for accomplishing my own ends; whether those were candlelight dinners or simply involved a thorough cleaning of the bathroom. Either way, my happily ever after was not going as smoothly as expected.

My wake up call came in the midst of a loud and familiar argument about his failure to understand me when he yelled, “Well if that’s what you wanted me to do, why didn’t you just SAY SO in the first place.”

“Because that’s NOT ROMANTIC!” I yelled back.

And there it was staring me in the face. The choice. To be real or to be movie grade mysterious. The choice to be direct or to manipulate. The choice to come down from my tower, stop feigning distress, and meet him as an equal participant in our story. Or to make us both unhappy.

Slowly, grudgingly, I chose to share. I opened up my stash of secret wishes and spelled them out for him. And under his scrutiny, they did not melt. No, in his hands they became real. Suddenly, he didn’t have to imagine what I was thinking or feeling, what I hoped about our future or wanted him to say to me when I was sad. He had a roadmap. And so he could come to my rescue so much quicker and more efficiently than before.

It embarrassed me at first to be so open and direct. It made me feel vulnerable. But all I lost in the process was some of the weight of my pride – and let’s face it, who can’t stand to lose a few of those pounds. Don’t let the books put one over on you, happily ever after is a heck of a lot of work. And marriage is the equivalent of The Shred for getting your faith in shape.

But when you do the work you wake up one day and find despite (or perhaps because of) the aches and pains that the man you married has grown into the man who makes your heart want to do the happy dance. He understands you because you worked hard to let him. He cherishes you because you’ve shared how much that matters. He unpacks the dishwasher because he knows it’s your least favorite chore. And right there, that’s what I now recognize as romance. And I discovered that it’s only when you’re not demanding it, that you find it staring you right in the face.

Lisa-Jo is South African by birth and American by marriage. She writes about life lived in between countries, callings and kids at www.thegypsymama.com. She and her husband have two young sons who color their lives and complicate their frequent travel.  You can follow her on Twitter @thegypsymama and subscribe to her blog here.

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It is so weird to have posted something so vulnerable.

I feel like you all have now glimpsed behind the flesh wall into the soul wound…and it is humbling.  However, it is good…

Because it is real.

And I know I’m not the only one.

Since the time of when I first wrote the “ick” post, some things have changed.  I realized that I could not try harder, do better, make myself feel differently than I did.  I was completely and utterly at the mercy of a God who is the only one who can restore what the locusts have eaten.

It is when I said, “I can’t do it” that He did.  It is when I gave in, threw in the towel, and determined to let God into my heart and soul to do the surgery work while I was knocked out…’cause knocked out I was!

I won’t go into details, but I will say that the bondage I was in is no more.

Is everything perfect?  No.  Is everything much much better and more beautiful?  Yes.  God is that good, that loving, and that caring…He does care about intimacy.  Union.  Marriage.  Oneness.

You are not beyond redemption.  You do not have to live with the consequences of sin forever.  He restores.  He gives life to the dead.

If you are struggling with intimacy, please please please do not not give up…just give in.  Give in to God and let Him heal you from the inside out.  Fight for your marriage.  Your husband needs you, and you need him.  Don’t turn cold on him, let the anger go to God in a heart cry.  You are not alone in this struggle.

And you can be healed.

He promises.

“You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song;
I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can’t thank you enough.”  Psalm 30:11,12

Recommended Resources:

Intimate issues, Linda Dillow

Intended for Pleasure, Ed Wheat

Click here and join me on this life journey.

The first thing that came to my mind is 1 Corinthians 10:12- “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” The enemy loves to destroy us and marriage is one of his favorite targets. I want to remain always humbly thankful to and dependent on God for my marriage and not my own wisdom or goodness. With this in mind, I also believe that God has given us wisdom principles for marriage.

1.) There is a good and right jealousy in marriage. In marriage, we should follow God’s example of His being very jealous of us. Dave and I right from the start knew that we wanted to be each other’s only “best friend” of the opposite sex. I won’t discuss intimate issues with any other man and he won’t with any other woman. We stay far away from traps of getting emotionally involved with others. Also, we won’t be alone with other men/women. When Dave needs to meet with women, I am there or someone else is. These are just safeguards as we strive to “put no confidence in the flesh” (Philippians 3:3) nor make any “opportunity for the flesh” (Gal 5:13).

2.) We choose to stay best friends. We have “dates” still. Usually this means for us to go out for lunch (we love “buy one, get one free” coupons) and then do errands together. We know each others’ wounds and fears and “core lies” and try to speak truth and be kind to each other.

3.) I choose to respect and show respect to Dave. I believe all men struggle with the question: “Am I enough” and know they aren’t. I try to let Dave know that “You are enough for me.” To do this I must continually not try to expect Dave to be God for me (who will provide for all my needs), nor even another woman (who knows how I’m feeling without me having to say much.)

4.) Think and act rightly about sex. I do not know of a husband who strayed from a wife who warmly receives him emotionally and sexually. I am reading a great book, “What’s He Really Thinking” by Paula Rinehart and today I read “Having your support and advocacy is what a man feels most acutely as respect…. (also) sex translates directly into respect.”

A little while ago, I saw Dr. Laura promoting her book “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” and she boiled her suggestions into 3 tips: “Tell him you respect him, tell him you appreciate him, and have sex with him.” I think she is a wise wife.

Hope this is helpful!

*Update* Addundum Added from Cathy:

I do agree that a man’s unfaithfulness is not always the woman’s fault.  Some men do have such ego problems and sexual addictions that are not related to his wife’s failure at all.   I think of pornography and the control that has on some men who have wonderful wives.   In her study, Barbara Mouser talked about men who get power often want more women (think of a former president and many other powerful men) I agree that sometime it is just total sin and evil involved on the man’s part.

You can read my Lady of Wisdom interview with Cathy here.

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