(Me with my precious six year old at her first piano recital-she’s growing up so fast)

I’m scared of losing my children.

I’m also scared of losing myself…and I’m not even sure who that “self” is.

Life has become a disillusionment to me and everyday that I just keep moving without stopping to get a hold of myself and my life, I’m one more day lost. And the days are going by in a blur.

I used to be a good mom. I used to try to be a good wife and homemaker. But something in the last year has changed and now I’m just tired and depressed. I need to come back.

I’m taking a month off of blogging so I can take an inventory of my life, my goals, my purpose. I want to be a wise woman, and a women with depth. Right now, I’m a shell of what I used to be…or who I hoped I’d become.

My plans for the month are to eat. I’m desperate to feast on the Word and let it fill me up again. I’ll also be digesting Tell Your Time, Blogger Behave, and Educating the WholeHearted Child. I need a plan for my life, and I intend to get on with it.

I love my babes, and I love my husband and I am so thankful for our home and the life God has given me. He is so good and so patient and so gentle. But life rushed or lost is no full life, and I need filled. I don’t want to regret my life and how I lived it. The time is now.

Thanks for reading.

“How we live our days, of course, is how we live our lives.” -Annie Dillard

I completely understand how one becomes addicted to a substance.

For me, if I were to indulge myself, that would probably be alcohol. I assume this because my mother is an alcoholic. I vowed never to be like her.

But I am.

I am like her. I’m like the her before she took the drink. I’m tired. I don’t know how to live my life. I’m overwhelmed. I love my children intensely. I have no idea, some days, how on earth I am going to parent them.

It would be easy to start with a glass of wine. A little something to numb the mundane of life.

Because I’m just so tired.

My spirit is that of a ragamuffin. I will never have it “together”…and I’ll never pretend to. In the words of Moses, I’m not eloquent of speech. I wonder why God is using me for His glory when there are so many better than I to use. But that is not really here nor there. The point is,

I’m not going to drink.

Or numb out with whatever.

I’m just going to be tired. I’m going to just walk, slowly, one day at a time as the Spirit makes me holy.

My hands are up.

All is grace.

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification…” 1 Thessalonians 4:3

…

Photo: My mom and me

On the days when life is unfair, or people hurt you, or you are misunderstood, tuck this into your heart:

“The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:1,2

Find your refuge in Him; He’s got you covered.

___

Photo Credit: Arch Rock

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I love his honesty; it is inviting.

(I got this video from JesusNeedsNewPR)