I Get It

I completely understand how one becomes addicted to a substance.

For me, if I were to indulge myself, that would probably be alcohol. I assume this because my mother is an alcoholic. I vowed never to be like her.

But I am.

I am like her. I’m like the her before she took the drink. I’m tired. I don’t know how to live my life. I’m overwhelmed. I love my children intensely. I have no idea, some days, how on earth I am going to parent them.

It would be easy to start with a glass of wine. A little something to numb the mundane of life.

Because I’m just so tired.

My spirit is that of a ragamuffin. I will never have it “together”…and I’ll never pretend to. In the words of Moses, I’m not eloquent of speech. I wonder why God is using me for His glory when there are so many better than I to use. But that is not really here nor there. The point is,

I’m not going to drink.

Or numb out with whatever.

I’m just going to be tired. I’m going to just walk, slowly, one day at a time as the Spirit makes me holy.

My hands are up.

All is grace.

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification…” 1 Thessalonians 4:3

Photo: My mom and me

40 Coffee Talks on “I Get It”

  1. @Zaankali says:

    Thank you for being honest/real!

  2. MOMKABOODLE says:

    Ohhhhh Sara Mae….I'm right there with you. Let's just strive to be addicted to Jesus (ok, and our coffee)!

    I sometimes wonder if you know how inspiring you truly are. And it IS the fact that you're real – I can relate to you in so many ways, and I know that the other struggling mamas (and Christians in general) can as well. Thanks for letting God used your cracked pot-ed-ness (SO not a word….but you know what I mean!) :)

  3. mkrasawski says:

    Bless you, SarahMae! Long ago I was shocked when I heard that stay at home moms, who went to church, were hiding drinking problems. ?!?! And then a few years went by, and on a bad day of my own, I thought … hmmm. This is the kind of day one might wish to numb out on. And that's exactly the kind of day where that needs to be avoided like the plague! I'm grateful for God's grace; I know it's absolutely true that anything I'd turn to to make me feel better, if it's not Jesus, will lead to addiction. Period.

    Love you much and proud of you…

  4. Lisa says:

    Me too. Me too.
    Lisa´s last [type] ..{Real Answers} How many times do I have to fail?
    Lisa´s last [type] ..{Real Answers} How many times do I have to fail?

  5. i think we've all got a bit of that in us.

  6. Sisterlisa says:

    I pray that you'll never experience what it's like to be an actual addict, because getting clean is so much harder than being a tired and overwhelmed mom.

  7. MOMKABOODLE says:

    Oh dang, forgot your "h" – sorry!

  8. hislovenduresforever says:

    Praying for you! Thanks for sharing.

  9. Brunella says:

    sometimes addicted return in codependency life, but choose different in many moments makes different in the healing life and soul and energy.

    Brunella from Italy (forgive my mistakes)

  10. Lee says:

    You have described exactly how I feel – "I’m tired. I don’t know how to live my life. I’m overwhelmed. I love my children intensely. I have no idea, some days, how on earth I am going to parent them.". I understand the thought of wanting to numb the feeling. My family has a lot of alcoholism in it, so I am careful not to go there. I will also continue to be tired and just keep at it. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one!

  11. Diane says:

    That picture made me cry.

    There is alcoholism in my family too… my grandfather committed suicide in an insane asylum (which is where he ended up due to his addiction.) My mother, his daughter, strove very hard to not fall, to not give way and she did it… she was a beautiful wonderful magnificent mother and educator. Be encouraged Sarah Mae. He is greater:)

  12. Karen says:

    Wow! That was so powerful. Thank you for reminding me that what I'm feeling isn't unique and I don't have to numb myself to get through a bad day and the stress! I try writing down what I'm feeling and then ask God to remove the negative that's going on! Hope you have a great day today! God bless you!

  13. Oh girl I hear ya! I'm tired too! Hang on to Jesus hard – he makes our burdens light. This was beautifully written.
    Lots of Love,
    Courtney

  14. Wow! Love this so much. As a new Mom and a daughter of a alcoholic mother, I've struggled with the battle between judging, accepting, and realizing that it too could have been me but for the amazing grace and love of Jesus. Thank you so much!

  15. Randi says:

    thanks for being so honest. Many of us are tired. Luckily, Jesus takes on the weary.

  16. Jennifer says:

    I sooooo hear ya. And your honesty is a blessing and encouragement. xox

  17. Colleen says:

    Wow. Great post. Very true. I clearly recall watching an episode of Oprah years back where she was interviewing SAHMs that became addicted to prescriptions. One mom was saying how her drug of choice helped her cope and to get so much done each day that it was hard to live without it. Ashamed, I admit – I was totally like "What is it? Where can I get it?" :-) The draw is there, of course, but we are so much better off to do things Gods way. He designed us for this role – and we ARE already equipped.

  18. Heather says:

    Sarah Mae, I think we all have similar struggles with our own weaknesses and with trying to break out of the patterns set by our families. I am glad you shared your struggle – I'll be praying for you. Parenting is definately a journey best travelled on our knees. I am continually humbly approaching the throne of God in prayer with petitions for strength, for wisdom, and for joy in the journey. God is faithful! Rest in His strength.

  19. Heather says:

    As an aside, isn't it interesting that the first mention of alcohol in the Bible is so incredibly negative – Noah's drunkeness and the sin that resulted is a dark blot on the life of a man who was handpicked by God because of his faithfulness and obedience to save mankind and the animal kingdom during the worldwide flood judgement. Noah lived for many years after this regretable incident, but the rest of his life is completely unremarkable – no other accolades for faitfhulness are creditied to him.
    Very telling, don't you think?

    It astounds me that many of today's Christians find drinking alcohol socially acceptable when it obviously has such potential for destruction. It seems like playing with fire for a generation who struggles with a miriad of addiction issues. Seeing the agonizing division alcohol caused in my husband's family makes me want to revive the Temperance movement and call believers to total absinance. As I understand it, because of our inherited sin nature, every person is a potential alcoholic – and it only takes one drink to begin the downward spiral. What if believers took a stand against that 'first drink'? How much heartache could be avoided?

    • _mrs_h says:

      Interesting … I never realized that was the first connection to alcohol in the Bible. It resulted in a cursing, instead of a blessing! Interestingly, the cursed wasn't the drinker. The drunkenness opened the door in a family for destruction!

  20. Sundi Jo says:

    Wow! Great blog.. Hits very close to home. Thank you for your transparency.

  21. _mrs_h says:

    I don't know why, but this post is good. Really, really good.

  22. The heart sure does ache when we see these things unfold before us- loved ones who become enslaved to their release of choice… the thing that is so toxic to their bodies and souls.

    Be Brave, Sweet Sarah Mae. You are, in so many ways- a great servant for HIM. Tired and Weary- you still remain a beautiful light for Him, A brilliant mama to those lovely littles and an inspiration to many women! Cling to that Grace and know that "one day at a time" is applicable for all- even when we ourselves aren't held captive by an addiction. {{hugs}}

  23. Tamika says:

    Oh, how this ministered to me. Thank you for daring to be transparent for my sake.

    Every time I try and make sense out of God’s grace I come up short of understanding why He would want a sinner like me. I’m still so far from the me He created and I find that fall into temptation more than my will wants to.

    But today, will join you inwalking slow and surrendered.

  24. Jess says:

    Me too. :)

  25. Jenn says:

    You are a blessing! Thank you for sharing and being so openly honest. May God sustain you in your daily journey to live for Him! I look forward to being encouraged by you!

  26. Thank you for being transparent. I don't have the words right now to share what this means to me. I pray you know how much you bless others.

    Janelle
    GraceTags

  27. Dina says:

    um, wow. powerful disclosure but so glad you feel among friends on the world wide web! I was thinking just this very thing recently, wondering how so many women get addicted to anxiety medication and then understanding how strong a pull such a quick fix does have. is there really a secret pill/drink/potion that can pull me out of the exhausted life and into the dundududaaaa….SUPERWOMAN life of no limits? even if there was, I think I prefer those moments where I'm just not strong enough and my heavenly Father pulls me gently upon his knee for refreshment of another kind! btw, your mom is adorable, just like you!

  28. Sharon O says:

    I really understand this…

  29. Heathahlee says:

    I am like my mother, who looked to earthly relationships to fulfill her. When they didn't, she moved on. I have lived much of my married life terrified there would come a day when that happened to me. Thankfully, I have a husband who leads our family in ways neither my dad nor my first step-dad did. When those fears creep up, he reminds me if I leave him he's coming with me. ;)

  30. Allison says:

    Remember God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. He uses us when we are weak, because it brings more glory to Him. Keep leaning on God for He is speaking through you to so many. Blessings!

  31. Amanda says:

    Tears flowing, I can't tell you what those words did to me, so I will just say "Thank you".

  32. @WisdomBegun says:

    And this? This is one of the many reasons I am blessed to call you friend. Your heart is so real, girl, and your transparency blesses me. I could have written that myself, minus the alcoholic mother, but it could have been my post. LOVE you.

  33. Joii C. says:

    Your transparency is a blessing! Thank you. Have a great Thanksgiving.

  34. HeidiK says:

    thank you Sarah ! i needed this. We all face gaints in our lives . I am facing mine on my knees. I love your honestly! Because alot of us feel this way but are too ashamed to admit it.

  35. Modupe says:

    ! Words fail me… but I can identify…

    "Because I’m just so tired."

    "My spirit is that of a ragamuffin." "I’m just going to be tired. I’m going to just walk, slowly, one day at a time as the Spirit makes me holy.

    My hands are up.

    All is grace."

  36. MrsJLW says:

    Thank you. Linking to my blog. . . . so timely, and suddenly I don't feel as tired anymore.

  37. Rachel Ramey says:

    Oh, boy, I hear you! We've been dealing with some difficult issues (again) with a particular child (again) – and I have commented to my husband that it's a good thing we don't drink, because this kid would about drive us to drink. We love her. But, boy, can she make life as a mama wearying. All that to say that you are not alone!

  38. Yes. YES! All that. Ragamuffin too. Sometimes I actually fantasize about taking speed or some crazy drug so that I could stay up all night and be super motivated (for days) and hopefully get my house totally cleaned. As in, clean like it's never been, clean. Organized. Just so I could get ahead, instead of always feeling so so behind in every aspect of life. But instead, I accept the reality that is my life, that I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and have lots of little kids, and that my house is just. going. to be. messy. Because being a drug addict is ridiculous. Because me with a clean house = nazi mommy who must maintain perfect house with crazy screaming unpleasant tactics. I'd rather be messy than mean, I guess. I'd rather learn to not let it bother me, than attempting to control and squash my children (as my mil did with hers).

  39. Karen says:

    I needed this! I can relate. I feel so inadequate most days to train 6 little girls for His glory. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone :)

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    I'm Sarah Mae. I'm figuring out how to fit perfect into fallen skin. Stick around for the stretching...your soul is welcome here.

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