A "Stay-at-Home" Daughter Responds to "What is a girl supposed to do before she gets married? Etc."
I wanted to comment because, reading the comment section, I saw a lot of questions about what a daughter would do during those “in-between” years: once she has graduated high school, what if she doesn’t automatically get married by the time she’s eighteen or twenty? What if she doesn’t get married until she’s twenty-nine or thirty-two? What if she doesn’t get married at all? Wouldn’t those homemaking skills go to waste?
I am twenty, and I’m what some would call a “stay-at-home daughter” I have chosen to live at home under the covering of my family until marriage, so I kind of “specialize” in answering the “what can a girl do in between?” question. I am a junior in an online college program. I am an aspiring author who just signed her first publishing contract last month. I am finished with the first draft of my first book and working on my second. I ran my dad’s online store (he is a pastor/evangelist/author) from sixteen to nineteen, and by the time we outsourced, I was taking care of 100 orders a week. After I have my B.A., I would love to start working on an English curriculum to tutor homeschoolers in my area.
And, most importantly, I have a family to serve -five brothers, four of whom are five and under -homeschool lessons to help with (I teach my three-year-old brother while Mama teaches my five-year-old brother), meal-plans to write up, laundry to keep going… I am my mom’s helper, and I’m loving the on-the-job training. I don’t assume that I will be married someday -the ratio of women to men in American is 2 to 1, and, as a black woman, I know that 46% of women of my particular ethnicity will never get married. But I trust that, if it’s God’s will to send me a husband, it only takes one man to come along. :) If not, I have a full life -I could ask for nothing more than the opportunities the Lord has opened up for me here.
I don’t want to write a second article in the comment section here, but I just wanted to offer my perspective as one of these “homemaker in training” daughters. If I don’t get married for ten years -if I never get married -I plan on continuing to develop those Proverbs 31 skills to bless my family, church, and community. If I have a homeward focus during singleness, and end up remaining single, I have lost nothing -I have gained practical skills that have helped me to have a full life at home doing what I love with the people I love! If I spend my time only investing in those passions that have nothing to do with my home and end up married, I have lost much time of preparation.
At least, that’s how I look at it. ;)
-Jasmine Baucham, Joyfully at Home
That was a beautiful piece sent in by Jasmine. What a blessing!
I so wish that I had known what kinds of things I could do to be serving God and growing in the in between time before I got married. I seriously thought that the inbetween years were meant for finding ways to avoid my parents and earn money to spend on entertainment to distract myself until Prince Charming came along. Or rather in my case, until Prince Charming woke up from his deep sleep of not realizing I was the one. ;) I never thought of using that time to serve shut-ins, help mothers who only had younger children, and sharpen my homemaking skills. My family was not… um… ideal at the time and I wanted nothing more than to get out of that mess and start over. So until I could, I worked as much as possible and when I wasn’t working I was doing anything I could to avoid being home when my family was awake. Now I am very grateful to my mom for what she did teach me. She wasn’t raised to follow the Biblical model of wifehood and motherhood, so life was quite a journey for her. She stayed home with us and homeschooled us and taught us how to serve God as she learned herself. Growing up with only one Christian parent though is a situation rife with heartache and Mom was being tempted backward for every step forward as us kids were being pulled back and forth between parents. Mom also, though a very very smart and multi-talented woman, was not a born teacher. She was amazing at staying on top of the housework, and she could build a bookshelf, tear out a wall, paint a floral arrangement, reupholster a couch, taylor a suit, and so much more. I am sad to say I never learned any of that from her. :( I wish I had. She’s had cancer for over 8 years now and lost the use of one hand. I wish I’d made more of an effort to learn from her when I still could. Those “empty” in between years would have been a wonderful time to learn those things, if I could have figured out how to deal with the turmoil in my own heart enough to be brave enough to stay home.
Leaving home is easy. Staying home is not hiding from the world- it’s facing the hardest part of the world; serving those people who know how to drive you the most nuts while your biological clock is screaming at you in alarm mode that it’s time to move on. Staying home is HARD and honorable! I think it would have been much less hard if I’d been raised with that intent, or if my Daddy loved Jesus. Hard, but less so. And I admire the young ladies striving to serve the Lord in staying home- both before and after marriage. It’s not an easy job, it’s swimming against the current of a world who turns up it’s nose at such things. But I can at least speak from experience on the staying home after marriage part: it may be hard but it’s chock full of amazing blessings! :)
God bless all you young ladies who are chosing to stay home and serve.
.-= Mama Mirage´s last blog post … Recipe: Banana Bread =-.
I am twenty, and I’m what some would call a “stay-at-home daughter” I have chosen to live at home under the covering of my family until marriage, so I kind of “specialize” in answering the “what can a girl do in between?” question. I am a junior in an online college program. I am an aspiring author who just signed her first publishing contract last month. I am finished with the first draft of my first book and working on my second. I ran my dad’s online store (he is a pastor/evangelist/author) from sixteen to nineteen, and by the time we outsourced, I was taking care of 100 orders a week. After I have my B.A., I would love to start working on an English curriculum to tutor homeschoolers in my area.
Jasmine … all of this is awesome and if you were my daughter, I would be very proud of you. You are clearly a very intelligent — and beautiful! — young woman.
That said, if you were my daughter, I would be strongly encouraging you to leave the parental home and establish a life of your own (whilst of course maintaining strong and close contact with your family!). If you were my daughter, neither I nor my husband would be wanting you to stay at home. We would very much be wanting you to go to college, study abroad, do mission trips, do all the things I’ve seen so many young Christian women do … with our full blessing. (And naturally I would also be praying that you met a personable Christian man on your travels. ;) )
Jasmine, I left home when I was 18 to go to university. I’ve never been married: I’m still single, now in my late forties. I’ve had a varied and interesting career: right now my full-time job is working for a church organisation. I also work for my church in a voluntary capacity at weekends. I have visited 14 countries.
Looking back, there are some things in my life I would do very differently. I would be far more intentional about certain aspects of my Christian life. I guess all of us can say that! But leaving home is not something I regret, ever. I would not want an adult daughter staying home with me until well into her 30s. I would so want her to be making her own life, whether she gets married or stays single.
This notion of Christian single women staying at home until their 30s or 40s is strange and worrying to me. Particularly when we see that even in the patriarchal culture of St. Paul’s day, there were women working alongside their husbands in ministry (Priscilla) and businesswomen like Lydia. (Paul is radical in what he says to Christian MEN, rather than Christian women. It was fully expected in that culture that a woman would marry and submit to her husband … Paul takes it much further by admonishing Christian husbands to live sacrificially. One reason why I always defend Paul against my more feminist friends, LOL.)
I say this not to persuade you to my POV but because you, and young women like you who espouse this particular teaching (which seems to be gathering ground in your country) are becoming something of a prayer burden for me.
If you are still single at 30 and STILL at home, while the biological clock is starting to tick loudly, things will feel very different. Believe me: they will. It’s hard enough for the Christian single woman who at least has a fulfilling career to fall back on. I assume that your life-plan at least includes generating some income of your own because as parents age, the roles reverse and they start to depend on US — and when they die, we are truly on our own.
(And all you ‘stay at home’ daughters … do you pay RENT to your parents, for your upkeep? I never see this mentioned.)
With prayerful concern,
Philippa
[...] life. She is intentionally learning the art of homemaking, and stays home to serve her family. Jasmine says, “I am twenty, and I’m what some would call a “stay-at-home daughter” I have chosen to [...]
Dear Jasmine,
I'm responding to Philippa's comment– you may post this or not, as you wish.
Dear Philippa,
I appreciate that you have presented your point of view very thoughtfully and with consideration.
That's wonderful that you've had the opportunity to travel and to find fulfilling work. It sounds like you're living a life that you enjoy very much, and it's inspiring to hear that.
I hear you saying that if Jasmine were your daughter you would be strongly encouraging her to leave the parental home and establish a life of her own, and that neither you nor your husband would be wanting her to stay at home. I'm a bit confused as to how you can speak for your husband's point of view since you do not have a husband and cannot ask him what his thoughts are about having a stay-at-home daughter. If I've misinterpreted, please let me know.
I wonder why you would want Jasmine to move out. Is there any particular reason? Would it be for your own peace of mind, or for her peace of mind? For whose benefit would it be? If it helps at all, you have no stay-at-home daughter, and so you don't have to ask her to move out.
I hear you saying that you have read about examples of women working alongside their husbands. Have you read examples of women working alone, in their single years? Most of these stories are heart-heavy to read, at least until the girl is married– for example, My Fair Lady (Eliza is basically homeless and sells flowers), Jane Eyre (a very sad life until she marries), The Sound of Music (in reality, Maria von Trapp's life at the house was quite difficult, and the marriage was more out of convenience than love). It's possible to be single and to make one's way in the world, but it's not easy, and not necessarily preferable, in my opinion, to living at home. Some stay-at-home daughters point out that there are no particularly inspiring examples of such women in the Bible, but there are many cases of daughters leaving their families and becoming victims of one thing or another.
Do you think that women benefit from having the protection of a trustworthy man in their life (i.e. father, husband, brother)? If Jasmine were your daughter, how would you recommend that she be well protected? Did you face any issues of this sort when you moved out on your own? How did you deal with them? How would you suggest that young women go about becoming married when they are single and living alone? Do you suggest living with roommates? A dog? Good neighbors? Why are these options better than family members?
You say that things will feel different if and when Jasmine is 30 and still at home and her biological clock is ticking loudly. Is there some reason that you think it would be easier to be alone and single and in this situation? In my opinion, it might be much easier to have a supportive family network during that time, as a young single woman might feel sorely tempted to throw herself at the first man who makes an offer, without first evaluating his worthiness.
You are right; the roles reverse as parents grow older, and when they die we are on our own. Thank you for bringing up that point; it is a very important one. It also brings up the issue of life insurance and wills– in old days, many times fathers would leave money for their daughters. In fact, Mr. Bennet in Pride & Prejudice feels awful because he has neglected to put aside enough for his daughters to live on in the event that they remain unmarried– happily, they do marry. Likewise, in My Fair Lady, Eliza's father depends on her for money, and that is why we despise him so much. In the old days, it was customary that fathers would care for their daughters until they married, and if they did not marry, they often moved in with a family member and helped in that household.
I'm sorry that stay-at-home daughters are becoming a prayer burden for you. If it is very difficult, maybe you can give it a rest for a while.
That's an interesting question about rent. I wonder why you ask. Would you charge a grown daughter rent, if she were helping to keep the house tidy, cooking you meals, and taking care of you as you grew older? I suppose that would be an option and might be discussed according to the situation.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I hope I've presented a few additional thoughts that may be helpful.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I was raised very conservatively. I was homeschooled and spent years "training" to be a homemaker. I submitted to my mother's desire that I not go to college or have a job of any kind. I feel that I was very unprepared for life—real life, the paying the bills, dealing with all kinds of people, protecting yourself kind of life. I am 31 years old but in many ways I feel like a teenager. I am having to learn how to function in the real world in a way that sets me far behind most women my own age. Even though I am married to a loving, supportive man, I still have to be capable of looking after myself. For example, my husband was in the military and was deployed during the first year of our marriage. I was alone, pregnant and on my own with very little preparation for it, knowing that any moment I could become a widow with no income earner but myself. Now my husband does shift work as an emergency dispatcher. Because of the demands of his job I must be independent to a certain extent. These are the realities of life and it can be very scary not to be prepared for them. I encourage young woman to cultivate independence of a good sort. There won't always be a knight to rescue you.
This is not the 19th century. Jane Eyre was written at a time when single adult hood was viewed as failure. Even a few boys are getting caught up in the stay at home til marriage movement but the set up is different for girls. Boys seem to have more options in the SAH movement. You can not live life afraid of the whole world. It is a way for parents to control their adult kids. Girls do not need always protecting by their father or anyone.They are not responsible for their siblings education and they ar not servants to the family.
"I wonder why you would want Jasmine to move out. Is there any particular reason? Would it be for your own peace of mind, or for her peace of mind? For whose benefit would it be? If it helps at all, you have no stay-at-home daughter, and so you don’t have to ask her to move out."
Because you cant always rely on your parents. If I had a child, they would not be expected to live me until 30. I would expect male and females to share equally in the house work but they would also be allowed to establish financial independence. You need the best of both worlds whether you remain at home or not. You never know what may happen.
"Those “empty” in between years would have been a wonderful time to learn those things, if I could have figured out how to deal with the turmoil in my own heart enough to be brave enough to stay home. Leaving home is easy. Staying home is not hiding from the world- it’s facing the hardest part of the world; serving those people who know how to drive you the most nuts while your biological clock is screaming at you in alarm mode that it’s time to move on."
It is not your place to stay home and serve the family. You should have no regrets in the choices you made. Don't let this movement make you feel guilty about anything.
I just have one question, something that really struck me as I was reading: "the ratio of women to men in American is 2 to 1". Wait, what?! Really?! There's a 2:1 ratio of women to men? Like, 66.6% of Americans are women, while only 33.3% of Americans are men? Only 1/3 of Americans are male? Maybe this is a joke of some sort that I missed? I'm not a regular reader, I admit — got here from a link.
I came across this post when researching this subject as a friend of mine's parents believe that she has to live at home until she marries. I don't want to encourage anyone to disobey their parents but I went to bible college in India at 18 and it was the turning point of my life. I returned twice to study Hindi and do a B.A. and lived there for a total of 4 years. I was on my own the second times and it was scary but I loved every moment of it. I grew so much and learned so much. I eventually came home and met my husband and got married at 27 but I am so glad I got to travel and have those experiences. I am a much more mature, friendly and confient person because of it. It strengthen my faith as I had to depend on the Lord and decide what I believe for myself, no just what my parents believe and it made me a much better wife and support to my husband. I do one day want to be a SAHM and homeschool my children however if God allows.
I stumbled across this, and wanted to add my two cents :)
I am a 20 year old, stay-at-home-daughter, and am very grateful to my parents for giving me this opportunity. I do not want to judge or condemn those who are working outside the home or not living with their parents, but as I look at the scriptures, I really don't see another option. The righteous women are in their homes (the unmarried, in their parent's home), and the unrighteous are not in their home (Proverbs 7, 1Kings 3). I find it interesting that while there are a number of biblical reasons why an unmarried young lady should remain in her parent's home serving her family, I have yet to hear a biblical reason why an unmarried woman should go out on her own, and pursue college/job/career, etc. It seems that anyone who has an objection to this idea, has a personal objection, rather than showing a scriptural basis for their belief.
This was one of the reasons that I started a ministry called Shining Stars … I wanted to provide encouragement for those girls who are making the decision to practice godly womanhood as it is displayed in the scriptures. I actually started this before knowing anything about the stay-at-home-daughter movement (as it is often called), and I am very blessed to know that there are quite a few other girls who are also at home and serving their families. I post interviews with some of these girls on my blog every so often.
Jasmine, thank you for sharing. I saw you on the Return Of The Daughters, and appreciate you taking the stand that you have. May our Heavenly Father bless you with the desires of your heart, as you continue to delight in Him.
I think Hannah's post wraps up this topic exceptionally :o) I don't know this site's policy for such actions, but I would encourage the blogger to close this particular 'discussion' to future comments….deleting mine and leaving Hannah's as the final. May we all continue to walk in the Lord's grace and process of sanctification, being reconciled to God's Word – which are our instructions for living and, as such, transcend all cultures, all times – the Holy Bible.