Thoughts on Affairs
We know the story…
Woman feels neglected…unloved…forgets what it feels like to be wanted by a man. Her heart aches. She longs for something more.
Man feels neglected…unloved…forgets what it feels like to be wanted physically by a woman. His spirit suffers. He longs for something more.
The lure of passion and excitement and freshness traps many souls to a dead end. But that need to be wanted is so powerful…life feels dull when we just get by...when we co-exist…when we except “normal.”
Are you Just getting by?
Are you longing for something more?
Is your spirit drying up within you?
I’m not going to claim to have the answers – they would all sound trite anyway – but I think I have something to offer up (to women, that is).
If you want to be pursued, be someone worth pursuing.
We are loved unconditionally by our heavenly Father once we’ve been adopted into His family, but on this cursed earth, love is a daily fight…and the enemy is in full battle armor.
Are you worth pursuing or are you just hoping that your DNA is enough?
There is a reason that a noble wife is worth far more than rubies…she is rare and precious.
As these thoughts swirl around in my brain today I am humbled because as much as I want my husband to pursue with the passion he did nearly seven years ago, I haven’t been pursuing him with passion.
Heck, I haven’t even made the bed.
Perhaps if us wives would take more time to cultivate our homes, our inward beings, and our appearance,we would find our husbands with lips of praise for us?
Just something to think about.
Just something I’m thinking about.
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Hot – nasty topic.
However, I know the feelings myself and I've watched a friend go through them. She's been neglected by her husband for years. Then she loses tons of weight and looks just amazing and yet he still is neglecting her. Now that she is thin and beautiful (on the inside and out) she is getting attention she has longed for for years.
Not by her husband either.
It's sad but at the same time do I want her to be miserable with a man that doesn't appreciate her and is only around to eat and sleep?
My husband loves me. When I've been in my dark moments and used the naughty D word he's cried. Yes, my husband cried. It's crazy to think about but at times I long for those first months when we were together and everything was so magical and amazing that your heart felt like hummingbird wings it was always going so fast.
That's what I want back. I want those moments where my husband walks in from a long day at work and I'm so excited to see him that I need a pacemaker!
.-= Alaina Frederick´s last blog post … The Chore Highway =-.
Love this! I think it was Emilie Barnes who wrote that a wise woman will take the 15 minutes before her husband comes home to make sure her clothes are neat and clean, brush her teeth and hair, and put on lipstick … greet him with a smile and a kiss!
For almost 14 years I've carried that advice … and I have a literally seen my husband's entire demeanor and posture change as he walks toward … before he ever hits the door – because he knows he'll be greeted with warmth and love, not barely noticed or pounced upon with demands.
.-= Teri Lynne Underwood´s last blog post … ANTI-Balance …A Joint Effort {guest post} =-.
The best advice I have heard is when you start to say to yourself things like, "well, he never does this or that anymore." Turn the question back to yourself. What have you done for your significant other lately? Have I told him how good he looks, made his favorite meal/dessert, or kissed him goodbye/hello? One of my favorite ways to quickly connect is a text…"You're the best and I love you so much!" or something along those lines, and I always get a reply :-)
this is great! 2 years ago after our 2nd son was born I let myself go. I was so sure of my heart and how much God loved me – that I wasn't keeping up with myself for my husband. He still loved me – but was feeling like I didn't love him because I wasn't taking care of myself to be appealing. yoga pants and pony tails day after day – no make up, and 30lbs of muffin tops and back fat … sure he loves my heart … but to say I love him is to take care of myself enough too!
.-= Stef´s last blog post … Monday Exhort – Worry =-.
I LOVE this, Sarah Mae! You make a very good point. How can we expect HIM to pursue US, if we aren't pursuing him? Or worse yet, if we aren't worth being pursued! In marriage, it becomes easy to fool ourselves into believing that we've already won the prize (him) and we no longer need to work at it. I've been married 19 years, and I'm guilty of this. Your post was a great reminder that if I want him to pursue ME, I need to be someone worth pursuing!
.-= Chrissy´s last blog post … What We Leave Behind: Legacy =-.
During a recent Bible study it was brought to our attention how hard the devil works at tempting us with sexual relationships before we marry. Then, when we finally do find that special someone he does everything possible to to prevent us from maintaining that intimate and sacred bond.
Hearing this was like a brick hitting me over the head and has shed a whole new light on how I look at my marriage and relationship. I enjoyed this topic.
.-= Frizzy´s last blog post … Glass is half empty or full? =-.
Wow! this is awesome Sarah Mae! I've had this same thing on my mind… making my husband priority is so important for both of us! :)
.-= Chele´s last blog post … Menu Plan Monday Week of May 24 =-.
So very thought provoking. I think another reason that I have been pondering is the lies we women buy into through movies, books, etc. Once while watching a movie, I asked my husband why he couldn't say things like that(highly romantic) to me. He looked at me and said because he didn't have a professional writer like the guy in the movie.
Sarah Jessica – HA! Great response!
Beautiful post. Open, honest, and so on point. Thank you for this :-) Bless you, friend.
Lots of love,
Laura
.-= Laura Will´s last blog post … Quick Tip: How to Decorate a Cake on Short Notice =-.
Amen girl! This is SO true! i want to care for myself and my house and make it/me and great place for my husband to be!
.-= Mama Llama´s last blog post … Can you guess? =-.
Have you read Dr. Laura's The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands? I think every woman should; I'm not all the way through the book but it's a wonderful book based on these principles. I would love to buy it as a wedding gift for every new bride I know.
.-= S Club Mama´s last blog post … failure or acceptance? =-.
S Club Mama – I've heard it is a GREAT book! I probably won't read it b/c I used to listen to her and found myself abiding by her "wisdom" and not God's…while she has a TON of logical and sound advice, she also is a little off on some things. In fact, she believes if you've had an affair, don't tell b/c it will cause more hurt. : /
I am right there with you. I'm working on becoming consistent, better…so my husband will always want to pursue me. He says everything is fine, but I've set that standard for myself to cook all the time, keep the house clean, and keep up the appearance even if I haven't gone anywhere…to be worth more than rubies. I just need to adhere to it on a daily basis. By the way, I am actually changing the sheets AND making the bed today. I think that's a good start :)
.-= Claresa´s last blog post … A Glimpse At A Blessing =-.
What a wonderful, thought-provoking blog. Thank you so much!
.-= Cfoxes33´s last blog post … Weekend Update May 21 – 23rd =-.
Great thoughts, Sara Mae! I want to be a woman my man WANTS to pursue…what a great filter for my actions. Thank you for this!
.-= Kristen@Moms Sharpening Moms´s last blog post … I'm Seeing Spots =-.
Some times I think we take for granted that in order to be desired or pursued by the man in our life we ought to be worth pursuing…be a companion our man desires. Not simply in outward appearance (although a little extra work in that area certainly never hurts) but it's the beauty within that is truly telling.
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog post … Book Review ~ Hollow by Jena Morrow =-.
Wow. Awesome post! I had an affair on my husband 6 years ago! Thank the Lord for his mercy and grace and that my husband loves the Lord more than he loves me. Because of that we are still together and our marriage is stronger than it ever has been. Only through God is it possible!
Today, I have been struggling with thoughts from the past. I have been praying through this and I feel so much better this afternoon.
Awesome post!
This is such a great reminder! I struggle with this everyday. We just get so caught up in everything else that we put our marriage on the back burner. It is daily walk everyday to do what is right.
Thank for the reminder girl!!
Serving with joy,
Sonya
.-= Sonya Schroeder´s last blog post … What Affair Are You Having? =-.
Sarah Mae – Don't know if you saw this stuff, but today I post Part 3 of a little series on "I'm not in love with you anymore." I am seeing a trend in my own life of women leaving their husbands and having affairs.
Check it out: http://hagenhoopla.blogspot.com/2010/05/im-not-in…
Now I am off to pick up the living room and make a great dinner for my hubby. Rubies = somewhat clean house and good food. Oh yea, and one other thing that will go unnamed :)
.-= wendy hagen´s last blog post … I'm Not in Love with you Anymore – Part 3 =-.
Thank you for this post, I needed to rethink my daily thoughts and routine. I am in search of guidance and appreciate your open honest blog.
I can't even begin to tell you just how perfect your timing is on the things you blog about. Seriously, it was ordained by God that I found your blog right now. You have been speaking so many things to my heart that pertain to my own life and struggles right now. Thank you for being real, open, and honest with us and for challenging us as godly women. The Lord is truly using you to minister to other women, thank you for being faithful to His word and listening to His still small voice.
.-= Marcy´s last blog post … My baby girl is ONE today!!! =-.
Great post … and I'm loving the advice in the comments too. My husband and I have had our rough times. We've argued a lot … and didn't really like each other much during those times … and even thought that nasty D word a few times. But deep down we both know we love each other very much … and we just kept on praying and praying and praying. Then we started communicating clearly again. And now, things are MUCH better again.
It was SO tempting to just keep on pointing my finger at him and his problems … and I did, for awhile. But then the Lord pointed out to me MY problems. What could I say to that? I had to shut my mouth and work on MY problems and continue to pray for him. Let the Lord do the work and changing … cuz I sure as heck couldn't!
Another thing that helped lead our hearts back to HIM and each other? The Love Dare. Seriously.
.-= Brandy´s last blog post … Just a Few Things we do to Save Money =-.
My husband travels every summer and is gone for weeks at a time. It's hard having him gone, but I've come to appreciate those weeks as a chance to reflect on our marriage: what he really means to me, why I need him so much, how I can become what HE wants as well, etc. Not that I recommend an annual separation for married couples! But for us, the necessary circumstance has become a way for us to realize how good we have it and to make our marriage even better.
.-= Joanna @ Starving Student Survivor´s last blog post … Yogurt Smoothies =-.
OH girl – you know you speak my passion! Beautifully put! Thank you for this post! I posted on the SAME thing today!
Is that you with your hubby on your wedding day with the motorcycle? I'm laughing because we did the SAME thing only with a Harley! We have just too many things in common I have to laugh out loud! Joyful laughter of course – I love our cyber friendship!
Love ya,
Courtney http://www.womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com
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Wow! What a tough topic we all need to hear! Speaking from someone who has been blessed by God's restoration in this exact area of our marriage, I feel I can share a bit of insight. We fool ourselves to think that we will have that warm fuzzy feeling every day or that when he walks in the room we swoon as we did when we were first married. However, that is not to say we don't find a deeper more intimate connection over time. While we desire to be pursued and to pursue them, what we really need to remember is never stop chasing after God's heart. When we sit with God daily and take time to see our man through His eyes, what a lovely gift God blesses us with. I can see in my man the servan't heart. No, he may not be a man of words, but he is a man of action. Should I then get upset because he dos not say what I want to hear or should I readjust my heart to accept the way God made him and be thrilled that he serves God when he is caring for his family? Love is not a feeling. It is a committment…a choice. We get up daily and choose to love this person again today. Dirty socks on the floor and all. No where in scripture does God speak about "happily ever after". That is not to say that does not happen, however, the fairy tale and the reality are different in the way they end up. Reality is that marriage is hard work that takes time. Time that is so worth every tear shed, every talk had and every single intimate moment between two people who love God and each other.
I steer clear of chick flicks or romance stories in books even by Christian authors because it gives me as a woman an unrealistic expectation of my husband. Same thing pornography does for their hearts, romance novels does for ours. It gives unrealistic expectations and takes away from a beautiful part of marriage. We are proof that God can heal a broken marriage, God can heal a broken heart. But He can't do that until we surrender our own selfish desires to His will and seek Him with all our might.
Blessed by restored marriage for 11 years now….and counting!
I highly recommend "Every Woman's Battle" for every woman. It is full of truths about women and affairs…not just physical, but emotional, etc.
I don't think we realize how deep an affair can go (or how surface-y it can be), emotional or otherwise.
After ten years of being married to a man who put career, friends, and hobbies ahead of his family, I was cheated on. I am a size four, always wear makeup, my house is clean, my children are well cared for, I supported him in his career, educational, and personal endeavors. We were intimate regularly. I prayed for our marriage and family daily. I cooked dinner nightly. I sought to be the best person I possibly could, and pursued a life in Christ. I did everything that seems to meet your standards of what a wife needs to do to be worth more than rubies. He cheated on me with a woman who was ten years older, didn't have children because she wanted her life to be about herself, and was entirely focused on her career. The affair began while I was eight months pregnant.
I am working hard on forgiving my husband, because I love him, because he is sorry, because we have three small children. But I have to say, maybe it's just because this is so fresh and raw for me right now, but your post comes across as self-righteous and basically put the responsiblity for a husband's betrayal in the woman's lap. And that's a bunch of crap. You should stick to topics you've lived through and know something about. I don't care if you post this or not, but I had to write it.
good advice – thanks for the Thoughts!
I know the feeling Anonymous — just remember .. don't be weary in Well Doing.. Someday you will be rewarded
This is such a good food-for-though topic. My mind has been thinking a lot about these things for a long time now, I know my heart could use some work in this area.
.-= ali @ an ordinary mom´s last blog post … It’s Just a Cold =-.
Thank you for this thoughtful post. My husband and I will celbrate 18 years of marriage this September. We are not unhappy together……..but it's been a LOOOONG time since we were REALLY happy together. It's gotten stale. With two kids to care for, jobs, other family meembers, it's so hard to find the time to make each other a priority. But it's necessary. I'm going to try to do just that. THanks again.
Anonymous,
I am terribly sorry this happened to you. I truly am. I think it is important to remember that when someone cheats it has a lot more to do with them than you. I believe you should keep yourself up for your spouse and take care of their needs. I have been divorced and place a lot of the blame upon myself. However I took very good care of myself physically and it wasn't enough. You are an admirable woman for staying with your husband trying to work through this and the anger and resentment you feel will lessen with time. You keep your chin up and remember though no relationship problem is ONE person's fault, how the other person responds to those problems is their decision. I wish you all the best.
M.O.T.B
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