Your Marriage Problems Are All In Your Head
March 8th, 2010
Today’s post is from Courtney, author of the blog Women Living Well and speaker at the upcoming Relevant conference.
I’m not saying you are crazy.
But I am saying that your thought patterns affect your marriage. I remember sitting at the dinner table with my daughter in her high chair and my 2 year old son, watching the clock. Tick tock tick tock. These thoughts ran through my mind, “Why is my husband 20 minutes late? He knows the kids are hungry and can’t wait.” Tick tock tick tock. “He is 30 minutes late and hasn’t even called. If he loved me he would at least call”. Tick tock tick tock. “This is so boring just sitting here with 2 children who can’t even carry a conversation…why is he doing this to me?”
Finally, the garage door went up and how do you think I greeted him at the door? Since I had spent 30 minutes brewing angry thoughts, guess what came out of my mouth – angry words. In Luke 6:45 Jesus says “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”
Imagine you had a cup of hot tea in your hand and your husband bumped your arm and it spilled onto the table. What came out of the cup? Hot tea. If you had coffee, then coffee would have spilled out. In the same way, if you are filling your mind with bitter thoughts towards your husband – then when your “cup gets bumped” what’s going to spill out? Bitter words. But if your mind is filled with good thoughts – then when your “cup gets bumped” what is going to spill out? Compassion and forgiveness.
What have you stored up in your heart towards your husband – are your thoughts of him good? They were when you were dating! Many of our marriage problems begin in our heads – in our thought patterns. If we play a recording over and over of selfish and bitter thoughts then we can expect to have a bumpy ride in marriage. Here’s how this dinner scenario went once I matured and learned that getting into World War 3 with my husband is more miserable than eating dinner alone!
It’s dinner time, tick tock tick tock…”he’s late again…he knows I hate this so he must have something really important to finish up. I am so blessed to have a good man who works so hard. We have food on the table and warm beds because of him. There are widows eating alone tonight. They don’t even know where their next meal will come from. I will wait peacefully for my husband to come through the door.” And when he arrived he was greeted with warm hugs, kisses and the promises of warm intimacy in bed. Extreme you may ask – not at all. It’s disciplining our minds to stop evil thoughts and create good thoughts.
When a plain ordinary wife spends her day thinking thankful, loving and respectful thoughts about her plain ordinary husband – they can have an extraordinary marriage. Start today to weed out bitter thoughts in your mind and begin to plant seeds of thankfulness – in no time your marriage will be extraordinary too!
Walk with the King!
Courtney
Courtney has been married to her high school sweet heart for 12 ½ years, home schools her son and daughter and is a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute. Her passion is to see women living well as they drink from the living well of God’s word.
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I so needed to read this! I am starting the first day of the Love Dare towards my husband in an effort to save our marriage (something we both want, but became a little lost along the way). Thank you for this post.
Kalee´s last blog post … The Love Dare
This is so true and often times when I was a younger wife I found myself doing this. I had to learn to take my thoughts captive and develop a heart of thankfulness towards my husband! Great post!
Stephanie Glidden´s last blog post … Know Your Enemy, It Isn’t Your Husband
What an amazing “Thought”. It seems so simply – but has alluded me for years. Thank you for an inspiring post.
((gulp)) swallowing the lump in my throat… I choke out a feeble “amen”. Because, seriously, I know ALL of this and it’s my heart’s desire to guard my heart and mind and yet, I fail… so often.
On my own – I can do nothing. It’s all by HIS GRACE, and grace alone… that he brings mercies anew, fresh every morning.
It’s called preaching the Gospel to yourself…
Thank you, Courtney, for this timely post to my life, my morning… my day and Lord Willing, my evening…when my man walks in the front door.
Bevy´s last blog post … "Just Because"
I needed that today! Thank you. This really applies to my attitude at work right now, but you could apply this principle to every area.
Our marriages are so much healthier when we “tell ourselves the truth.”
after being married 10 years…i knwo this is so very true! making a real change in my thinking made a world of difference! thanks for sharing!
What a wonderful guest post today! These words are so true, and sadly there are so many women who need to hear them. That’s why it’s always important to remember that marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100….otherwise we spend so much time waiting for the other person to “do their part”. Blessings!
Sarah Mae! Thank you for the tip on the header, it worked perfectly and now I can read everything, yea!
Wonderful post. So true! Thank you!
Holly´s last blog post … Yes, even sugar can be stylish!
So Unbelievably awesome, this post! Thanks for sharing Courtney’s wisdom with us Sarah. I link loved it’s goodness in my post today.
Hugs,
Traci
Traci´s last blog post … Are You Super Woman?
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today. You are totally right, completely spot on, and I needed to hear it, needed to understand it. Thank you so much. This is the first I’ve ever been to your website, and to see that post up there first was just … amazing.
Erin´s last blog post … Mini Sketchbook Tutorial
Sooooo good! I needed this today–thank you! Of course, I could have used it last night when nothing seemed to be going right at our little house. :)
Courtney´s last blog post … And The Sun Shines On
Absolutely true and so important to remember. When we spend our time thinking those negative thoughts or running through scenarios or conversations in our head it is called “scripting” and is always detrimental to our relationships. Excellent post and words of wisdom.
Kristine McGuire´s last blog post … Patience Is NOT My Virtue
Very good post, and so very, very true! I needed that reminder. Thank you! :-)
Heather´s last blog post … Five Question Friday
Wow! This is oh so true!!!
Thank you for writing this and saying it in such a great way! I have noticed that my mood effects no only me but also my husband greatly! Even if he has had a bad day his face lights up when he walks in that door. However if I’m in a bad mood then I just ruined the night.
I realize that I have to be extremely intentional about how i am reacting to acting to things.
Thank you for sharing this today!
Needed to read this today!! Thank you for posting!
Thank you so much for a great post. I really needed this reminder today. We have been under extreme amounts of stress for the last 1.5 yrs and recently I have started allowing my circumstances to turn my “tea” bitter. When my cup gets bumped everyone gets burned… *blush* Time to buckle back down and sweeten up! Thanks again!!!
Love in Christ,
B
I love this, and I totally agree!
Angela @ Homegrown Mom´s last blog post … Parenting is Not Just…
great thoughts Courtney!!
Becky´s last blog post … Happy Homemaker Monday
Yes! So true!
Sarah A´s last blog post … Elegance, grace, poise, and class…
Loved this post! I know too many mamas who say terrible things about their husbands, and I’ve done it a time or two myself, I’m sure. But what a blessing he is! Occassionally my hubbie will have to go out of town for work for several days, and I’m reminded of how different it would be without him. Helps me appreciate him so much more! I’m so thankful!
Loved this post! I know too many mamas who say terrible things about their husbands, and I’ve done it a time or two myself, I’m sure. But what a blessing he is! Occassionally my hubbie will have to go out of town for work for several days, and I’m reminded of how different it would be without him. Helps me appreciate him so much more! I’m so thankful!
Jaime G´s last blog post … Thankful: God’s Blessings & Multiplication
So so true…I could not agree more! It’s great to be reminded though. Yep, we often need to discipline our minds to think good thoughts – until “switching” becomes second nature. Thanks for sharing…
~Bomi
Bomi Jolly – JollyNotes.com´s last blog post … Got Your Shot?
Thank you so much for this insight. I’m getting married in a few months and so greatly value wisdom like this. Sometimes I feel myself choosing to sit on selfish frustrations with my man until they turn into senseless bitterness. But, I’m seeking to begin surrendering those ugly patterns now. Telling yourself the Truth really is such a big deal; I wish I would have been taught that concept earlier in life!
Leslie´s last blog post … just want to be beautiful
Oh my goodness – you just go right on and stomp on my toes! I was JUST getting ready to write a post about how God is working on my heart and life and my attitude and thoughts in my marriage (and He’s had to do a LOT of work) and here I flip on over to my favorite blogger’s page and what do I read??? Yep, God’s still molding and shaping me and I PRAISE HIM for the women like you & Sarah Mae who share the TRUTH of God’s Word which demands change and brings freedom!
It is NOT just stopping the negative thoughts but replacing them with lovely, true, honest, good, wholesome, pure thoughts… Keep on Preaching so we can all be women living well!!!
Debbie´s last blog post … Mommyhood
Thank you for the reminder! :)
My hubby often travels for work and I am always reminded of how my life would be as a single gal again if he weren’t in my life, and while I know I’m more than capable, I wouldn’t want to be without him, he’s so precious.
I believe that ill/negative thoughts are the beginning/root of all divorces, hurtful words come next and on it goes.
Thank you for sharing God’s word with the women of the world!
{The Classy Woman}´s last blog post … Book Giveaway Winners!
You all have posted everything that I could say so what more is there to say? Praise the Lord Jesus Christ. His timing is so wonderful. He knows when you need words of encouragement and just how to get them to you. Thank you all.
Well said, Courtney.
Thanks guys for all of the encouraging words! Want to hear something ironic – my man was late for dinner last night!!!! lol!! God was testing me… I had made smashed red potatoes, fried veggies and steak with a homemade marinade…so I didn’t want it cold!
THEN this is the extremely humbling part – he walked in the door with a Starbucks drink in his hand for me!!! He has never done that before! He was late because he was in line at Starbucks…oh man!!!
God was making sure this lesson sunk in!!!
Keep thinking pure thoughts of your men – they deserve it!!
Courtney
Courtney (Women Living Well)´s last blog post … Your Marriage Problems Are All In Your Head
I know others have said it, but this is SO SO true! Focusing on the lovely has put joy back in our days!
Steph´s last blog post … The Hand that Rocks the Cradle…
I love the analogy of the cup of coffee! It will really help me in the futue!
I lived in the pit of bitterness bondage for many years, telling myself exactly what you describe. Consequences to living this way (with my thoughts unchecked) included seeing my kids hurt and pay the price for my resentment and unforgiveness. Through my kids God revealed my sin and after marriage classes and in depth journaling with the Lord to figure out what was really going on inside me He revealed to me that I needed to extend the very forgiveness to my husband that God had extended to me through Jesus. Sounds simple but took a lot of practice and prayer. Capturing every thought and holding it captive to the obedience of Christ was and still is a verse I have to intentionally live every day. Praise God for his Grace and Mercy.
This is so true! Thanks for the great reminder. So many times, married couples pick at each other, saying “Meet my needs! Meet my needs!”. Instead we should be saying, “LORD, meet my needs, so that I can meet his.” When I do, I am so blessed.
Tiana Krenz´s last blog post … Surprise!
[...] to be intentional about the thoughts I let fill my head (yes, those are outbound links—and yes, you should read both of [...]
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with this one. What we think in our minds truly becomes our reality, and if we only focus on the negative, that’s all that we’ll see around us. There’s a quote that says “Be the change you want to see”, and that’s so true. Very thought provoking post!
Darlyn
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