Figuring Out Love Lost (Mom?)
What’s it like?
What’s it like to be held by her?
What’s it like to cry on her shoulder?
What’s it like to come home to someone who wants to hear about your day?
What’s it like to talk to her about boys?
What’s it like to ask her for advice?
What’s it feel like when she hugs you?
What’s it like to need her?
What’s it like to be loved by her?
What’s it like?
I never had her, but I miss her so much.
I wrote that poem in college as tears flowed and heart ached.
Now, today, I have her.
I have her so close she breathes in the room down stairs. I hear her at night, the ice breaking, the door opening for smoke, the coughing, the moving.
But now that I have her, I don’t know how to begin.
She was lost to me long ago. I mourned her as someone mourns a death. So now what? Now that she lives and breathes and is whole again, can there be a resurrection? Can detached chords of mother-daughter be once again tangled with a felt love?
I don’t know.
I don’t know how to feel for her. I can’t muster up love. I can choose it, and I do, but nothingness is easier because then I don’t have to mourn twice when real body death takes the breath I hear downstairs.
It is all very strange.
Related: Believe in the Impossible (my mom was an alcoholic for 20 years)
Just got finished reading the other 2 posts… what a heart-breaking beautiful story. You are in my prayers.
.-= Angela @ Homegrown Mom´s last blog post … 10 Signs That You May Need a Break =-.
Angela – beautiful…and broken. Goodness, redemption, and whole lot of unexpected non-emotion.
i love that you posted this… i have been thinking so much about you and your mom lately but haven't gotten a chance to talk to you! I am praying for you.
I think this is a beautiful post. It's raw and authentic. Sometimes we don't know how to love someone, but we keep trying, and I think that He will help you with this. I wish I had answers for you, I think eventually I am going to be right there (only with my brother).
.-= Kalee´s last blog post … Switcheroo =-.
Now there's a raw look into the face of redemption. It isn't all sunshine and roses, is it? Relationships are always hard – even the ones we want the most.
Thanks for keeping it real.
~Lisa-Jo
Just dropping by to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Jill´s last blog post … White Picket Fences by Susan Meissner =-.
Wow, I just read this post and your other one over at incourage. My heart breaks for you and your family. Thank you for having the courage to write about this, I'm sure it's not easy. I have not experienced something as devastating as alcoholism with a parent, but I have had a broken relationship with my father. It's can be so difficult.
.-= Jennifer Y.´s last blog post … Reuben Appetizers =-.
Sarah Mae, I've yet to read the other posts to really know what the story is behind this post, but your words really struck me… really touched me and moved me and made me feel what you're feeling. The Mother-Daughter relationship is a strange one to begin with, but when you thought she was lost to you for so long, and now she is back, I can only imagine!
HUGS to you, while you figure this all out.
Janelle
I was saying something almost identical to this at our small group last night. My dad and I reconnected after 13 years of not speaking and while that restoration has been very healing in and of itself, where to go from here feels awkward and forced (on my part). Such a big part of me holds back. Praying that God will send even more of His restoring and healing power to your relationship with your mom and my relationship with my dad.
.-= Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog post … National Napping Day =-.
Oh my friend you are in my prayers and so is she. Who knows. Perhaps in the practicing of Christian love where nothingness now exists a heart-love can be restored.
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog post … Finding Happiness =-.
Sarah Mae, it can take years to build an adult friendship with parents who've been there every day for your entire life. With as much history as you have with your mother, I think it's fair to say it's going to take time to feel for her. Especially when it's scary.
That said, love is so much more than a feeling. Love is expressed in how we behave. When we're told to love our neighbors as ourselves, it's not that we should have feelings for strangers, but that we must treat them with compassion, mercy, kindness, and grace.
Every day, with His help, your mother is being renewed and is becoming a new Creation. Every day, with His help, you will build an entirely new relationship with you showing love to her through your actions.
You are in my prayers, always.
.-= Anne´s last blog post … Are The Pearl's Responsible? =-.
Praying for you tonight….
.-= Stacey @ The Blessed Nest´s last blog post … SpRiNg GIVEAWAY!!! =-.
i often wondered how i would forgive my father, and what kind of relationship we would have, when he finally stopped drinking and using drugs.
i never got the chance to find out. he died because of his addictions before we could ever repair our relationship, or even try.
all those feelings you guys have, however mixed and tenuous, are a true gift from God.
What an amazing and sad and crazy and hopeful and terrible and awesome and beautiful story. Who would ever guess what God rescued you from?
No one is too far lost or too far gone. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family. AMAZING how many lives it touches. My dad and brother are in recovery, which is wonderful. Waiting on a few more to come around. Prayers for you and your mom. For healing, strength, love, forgiveness, clarity, direction, patience, understanding and of course, laughter.
.-= wendy hagen´s last blog post … Potty Training – The 270 Day Method =-.
Hope. We had to have my sister-in-law give up custody of her 3 children (13, 5, & 3) because of her lifestyle choices.
I worry for the 13 yr old daily – she is terrified of her mother and never wants to live with her again. Their relationship is horribly torn apart – but we serve the Healer, our REDEEMER!!
praying for your heart today! Thanks for being transparent!
.-= Stef´s last blog post … Tuesday's Treats =-.
Thank you for sharing your story about your Mom. My prayers are with you…
You are not alone in this! Thank you for sharing! Praying for you!
Tara
.-= Tara´s last blog post … In This Corner – Good Intentions… =-.
Awesome! God is so good and so faithful. Thank you for sharing. I will not stop praying for family members who are lost, because obviously, God still works miracles. :)
.-= Jenn Calling Home´s last blog post … Much Ado About Hair Coloring and Artisan Bread =-.
Oh how my husband and I can relate. Well, mostly my husband. His biological mom didn't really raise him, and I know he would echo all of those questions you wrote. The relationship they have now, which isn't really one at all (complicated reasons)is so strange to say the least.
Thanks for sharing your heart. It's nice knowing others can relate to bizarre and uncomfortable situations!
.-= Brandi´s last blog post … "You Never Play With Me!" =-.
Wow Sarah Mae I had no idea!! When I talked to you about my blog and we talked about my Mom and how influential she was to me….I just had no idea what you had been through. I am so sorry but somehow I believe that because of what you've been through it has made you who you are today……
Blessings Sarah Mae
.-= Cyndi Spivey´s last blog post … Grace and High Heels =-.
I love your honesty. I know first hand your story. My sister is an alcoholic, and I saved her life in 2006.
It is a life long journey for all involved. I pray you have many years to heal what was broken between you and your mother. Thank you for being open, and sharing from your heart.
We are sisters in the Lord and we hold each other up… in prayer.
Your words touched me to tears tonight…I struggle with this so much. I find inspiration in your words, and add my prayers to the others for you and your Mom.
Oh Sara Mae I did not know our stories were so very similar. Wow, I am so thankful you get to share this time with your mom now. It's very hard to have to learn to love again, in a new way, in a new relationship that should have always just been. If you ever feel so inclined, you can read some of my story at: http://melindatoad.com/2010/04/27/redemption-of-t…
and more of my story at (in)courage : http://bit.ly/aIVKGk
God bless you as you journey this path. Redemption is beautiful!!
Mel´s last [type] ..Power Of A Word
Mel´s last [type] ..Power Of A Word
Your story touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I can so relate to your words about choosing to love even when you don't feel it.
My hopes and prayers are with you and your mother.
Julia (aka Infomum)´s last [type] ..Change the Focus- Act Like an A-list Blogger
Julia (aka Infomum)´s last [type] ..Change the Focus- Act Like an A-list Blogger
Thanks for being so real. I am thankful to have found your site. You have no idea how many people you have encouraged through your transparency in regards to your personal life. Seriously. I soo appreciate your story.
Sarah- I read all of these stories and felt as if I was reading my own. Went through it. Went through the mom who drank my whole life, looked pregnant, cirrhosis of the liver, talked in circles and at times cried like a small child. I never really felt totally attached to her, like a mother/daughter. Mentally, she had checked out so long ago. I moved out at 16, never to return (other than visits). I too got the call saying she wasn't going to live much longer. Come home. I went. And I watched her die from cirrhosis of the liver and hepatitis B.It's such a strange thing growing up with an alcoholic. You grieve never having the mom that all your friends seem to have, but more than than, there's a guilt for not feeling more remorse. As if she was a distant relative. But she was my mother. Thank you for sharing your story- Will pray for a continued healing in your relationship with your mother.