Why Does Everyone Else Always Seem To Have It Together? (And "Wow! I am my kids mom!")
It’s been a rough few weeks months.
There are days when I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like my hormones are controlling me – always tired, angry or sad. Pretty much always, yea.
I hate it.
Then I feel depressed and lonely and my thoughts go crazy and I forget my true identity.
I look around and every other mom seems to have it so together – days filled with crafts and cookies and smiles and energy. My dreams and desires are filled with those things, my reality is not.
When I bake cookies, I feel impatient with my babes.
When I plan a craft, I’m just to tired to follow through with it.
Here’s the thing, I know the truth. I know that not every one has it all together and pictures often tell a different story. But it’s hard not to compare. It’s hard to remember who I am. It’s hard to persevere and fight the good fight. I want to do the hard things, but sometimes I can barely do the easy things.
With all of that said, I recently received an incredibly encouraging comment from The Queen Mommy; this is what she said:
“…don’t let the enemy – the defeated one – get away with his lies of insignificance and worthlessness. God made you a mama – YOUR children’s mama – for a perfectly divine purpose.”
Wow.
Even though I feel like a complete and utter failure most of the time when it comes to mothering my sweet babes, this comment gave me a whole new perspective.
God knows my failings and yet He chose me as my kids mommy…and He did so for a purpose.
Did He know what He was doing when He gave them me? I mean, wouldn’t they do better with a mommy who was organized and energized and joyful all the time?
Me.
He gave them to me.
A failure.
A sinner.
A saint by His grace and mercy and love.
Oh that I would fall into His truth daily, because I can’t do this mommy/wife/homemaker thing myself. I will fail.
“When my father and my mother fail me, the LORD will take me up.” Psalm 27:10
Anyone else ever feel like this?
I don't have it all together, at all. You really aren't alone on this one. I have just had a day where nothing has gone really wrong but nothing has gone right either. I am tired and grumpy, but my eldest daughter just told me that she's had a lovely day!
I am so glad that God picks up all the things I can't do and gives me strength to do the things I claim I can.
Thank you for reminding me of this today.
Yes, yes! I too fight this all the time. I have so many things I want for my family. I work constantly at temerping myself with the ideal vs. the reality. God is good though, He makes me better every single day.
I feel that way so much- and as of late, so frequently- I could have written it. This is our first year as a home school family and I feel like a failure. I've questioned the Lord's call for us to do this, often saying the same things: I am not a good enough mother, I'm a failure as a mother, not patient enough, I can NOT do this well, etc etc etc. I often ask the Lord what he was doing giving me three children because I seem so incapable.
The statement of it being the enemy's lies is one I need to let sink in and accept Truth instead. It does stink to watch other mom's who seem to have it all together. This is yet another reason I had to step away from the blogging world! I felt I couldn't live up to the other 'standards' of moms I was reading. How refreshing to know others don't have it all together as well :) Praying for you, friend!
.-= Mirinda´s last blog post … This is no joke… =-.
I can so relate to your words. In fact, I said to myself as I read them, "I could have written this." Thank you for being real and sharing truth.
.-= Christa´s last blog post … Like a Life Giving Fountain =-.
My son came to me one day. He had worn a santa hat to school one day and the kids on the bus made fun of him. We asked him to tell us what was truth. If it's not truth, we don't need to accept it. Look for the truth, realizing that ALL are damaged by the fall no matter their appearance!
Man do I ever feel like this.
When I do anything in the kitchen my kids know to get out cuz "mommy can't handle the stress," they can even tell you that part. The few times I do bake or cook with them, I have to pray before, during, and after to keep my sanity in check. It does NOT come naturally for me at all.
When it's time for crafts, they know they better behave if they ever want to do one again, cuz mommy's stress rises with crafts and messes.
I beat myself up constantly over this (and my many other mommy/wife failures) and then people go and vote me super homeschooler and I feel like a TOTAL failure. I am honored that people think I am super but also hate that my blog makes me look more together than I really am. I am SOOOO normal.
But like you said, I am reminded of who I am in Christ and to Him I am super.
Glad to know you're not as together as I like to think you are ;-) ha ha! We're all one big mess, trying our best to be who He wants us to be each and every day.
Love ya!
Carisa
.-= Carisa´s last blog post … Raising Rocks Stars ~ CHRISTmas…Nativity Story =-.
My little one turned 1 on Wednesday and for some reason all of the sudden I felt like I didn't have a clue what I was doing and that I was failing at everything. This post was a great reminder! Thanks!
.-= Mandi´s last blog post … Eden =-.
Yes! I feel the same way, a lot of the time. But I look at all those "together" moms and realize that, many times, when someone asks how things are going, I say, "Good!" I can't imagine that anyone looks at me and thinks that I have it all together … it's laughable, really … but maybe this kind of self-doubt afflicts most of us.
Have you seen your doctor to rule out clinical depression?
.-= Melissa´s last blog post … We Blog! Conference (Contest) =-.
Thank you! You have mentioned what I'm finding to be many a woman's battle. The fact is that person we are looking at as the ultimate mom is looking at us, too, and finding fault with herself.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog post … Planning for a Joy-Filled 2010: Daily Habits =-.
I feel this way so much, but try to remind myself that I'm here with these three kids for a very important reason.
Sometimes my head spins with what I need to do and what I should do and what I want to do with them and for them (and what I want to do for myself). It's hard to focus and strike a balance. Just know that you're not alone.
.-= Kristy K´s last blog post … My 12 Days of Christmas =-.
I rarely comment here (usually because I feel like you are one of those amazing moms who have it all together and you always have the best things to say and then I let my thoughts get carried away while I compare myself to people I don't even know) but I'm commenting today. Why? Because I know you are one of those amazing moms and I feel exactly the same way. I can totally relate. Excellent post, thanks for sharing!
.-= Jamie @ Six Bricks High´s last blog post … A Girl Making A Difference =-.
I believe you have just described my world this past month. I was very comforted to know I am not the only mom who goes through this… xoxo
.-= Brenna´s last blog post … United States Safe Schools Czar – Not So Safe =-.
I can also identify.
My children are 16, 13 and 10 and often it is difficult.
This past year I asked a friend why I can't just have ordinary kids and the answer was that God wouldn't have needed me to parent them then. He made me specially to parent them and I have to try to remember that. But I have to say that the constant back chat and bickering still get to me.
.-= Stefanie´s last blog post … What the heck? =-.
You, my dear friend, are not alone.
We don't even have our Christmas stuff up and I feel like Scrooge (and more)!
God bless each of us!!
Thank you for the honesty and for reassuring me that I'm not alone.
.-= Cathy Davis´s last blog post … India – the fourth day in the mission field =-.
Oh my goodness, I know exactly where you're coming from…as I'm sure ever other mother feels. When I was a young mother…with sweet little babes…I felt like a failure. As I look back…now that Alanna is nearing 20 years old and Kari is seventeen…it's so easy to reflect on all the things I did wrong. The world gives us a false picture of perfection for women as wives and mothers…but we serve a God who has overcome the world.
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near.
Don't' worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving; let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:4-7
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog post … Declare the Glory =-.
Wow! Thanks for this post! I feel the exact same way! I just don't feel cut out for this job most of the times. My dh tells me its just the devil trying to work his way it and wants me to think this. To push those thoughts out and just do your best. Your kids aren't going to judge you by what to did with them, but by how you loved them. I need to remember that myself.
Thanks for this post! Didn't you just move? A move on top of Christmas is extremely hard, I'm dealing with that myself. I'm trying to be easy on myself but get so frustrated with myself and the kids because the minute I get in the middle of trying to find something they need something. Its tough but as you said God gave these kids to us, to us. And thats something I need to remember everyday. They are beautiful and little people for us to mold and shape. Its a huge responsibility.
A resounding yes to that question! And judging by the other comments you and I aren't the only ones either! You're post really hit home with me today as I have been feeling the same way. You are right though……we are their mommy! :) Thanks for posting your feelings and letting us share with you our feelings too!!! Hugs!!
I have felt this way more often than I care to admit. But, because you were so brave to put it into words…I too will admit it. We are, now, in the middle of a move…. I look around, trying to NOT be overwhelmed…..in my weakness (that is often) HE IS STRONG…..
Love you, sister!!!! Don't feel alone…. God LOVES you so very much!!!!
.-= Melissa Doddridge´s last blog post … Forget the Past…. =-.
I feel like this ALL. THE. TIME. I do not bake with the kids anymore. I really have to purpose to do crafts, because they always wind up as failures… And then there are the countless times a day I lose it with my kids and my hubby. Thank you for sharing this with us – it's so hard to see past the smiles we all put out there to see we are really all in this together…
All the time. Every day.
My parents both worked, and had it all together.
And here I am, with the luxury of staying home with my precious little ones, and I can't even get the dishes washed and the laundry folded.
What a comforting feeling to know that God gave us our children, even though we are sinners.
I couldn't do this without him constantly by my side, guiding my words and my actions.
.-= Sidnie´s last blog post … Late Sleeper. =-.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Absolutely. I have been feeling like this a lot lately, in fact. For Christmas, I'm just doing what I can, and letting the rest go.
I think we would be surprised to know how many other moms that we think have it 'together' feel exactly the same way.
I really think that children learn more by seeing us fail and seek the Lord's help (and their forgiveness) than by having a mother that can do everything. We are sinners, we are failures, we are weak – and He is strong. You are not alone.
I WISH WE LIVED CLOSER. WE COULD HAVE COFFEE AND A HUG!
HUGS FROM MAINE
.-= Lisa Currie-Gurney´s last blog post … HAS IT BEEN TWO MONTHS ALREADY!? =-.
Where do I sign up?? Seems like everyone feels like I feel most of the time! Dear Sarah thanks for writing this. No, you are not the only one, and it is kind of comforting knowing that many, many mums struggle with issues like anger and sadness and frustartion, just like I do.
I was just thinking today (after feeling quite angry because of a disobedient daughter) that maybe our kids do not need a super mum, who always has it all together. I think that our kids will benefit more from seeing us admitting our weaknesses and seeing in us a genuine effort to be a better person. After all that is what we are trying to teach them, right? What better way than setting an example. If they see a perfect mum (as if this will ever happen ;) )they would feel overwhelmed: how could anyone live up to, or even compare to some one who is perfect?
I want my children to know that I, like them, am still on the road to holiness. I am not there yet. And the best part of this is that AS I TRY TO LEAD THEM ON THE WAY TO HOLINESS, THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE TAKING ME THERE!!!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sarah Mae, Kristin Baxter. Kristin Baxter said: All the time! Fantastic post…needed to hear this. RT @sarahmaeblogs Anyone else ever feel like a complete failure? http://bit.ly/8gvukt [...]
You put words to my feelings. The Queen Mommy's quote hit me the same way. Thank you for writing this.
.-= Southern Gal´s last blog post … A giveaway winner =-.
You too? I feel this way more often than I care to tell.
.-= Bonita´s last blog post … How to Read a (Good) Book =-.
Saw your tweet and had to stop over and see who else feels this way! (Raising hand – me too!) But I think I'm starting to accept the fact that our Christmases (well, make that our whole lives) will never be picture perfect. It's messy, exhausting and depressing all at the same time as being wondrous in spite of it all. Have a blessed Christmas…relax and enjoy!
.-= Rachel Anne´s last blog post … Company Girl Coffee 12.18 =-.
Thanks for this. I fail…all.the.time! But, God doesn't. Thanks for the reminder that He knew, He knows, and He can get us through even the worst.
thank you for the writing this, I feel like this also. So much in fact I could have written your entire post. It makes me feel better knowing that I am not the only mom that feels this way. Thank you so much….
Oh, sweet friend, we ALL feel that way … and not just SOME of the time, ALL of the time. It is a trap of the enemy … if he can convince us we are not good/smart/wise/organized/crafty/sweet/smart/blah/blah/blah enough then he wins. That Queen Mommy is so smart! Listen to her … and to the Lord who says you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" in HIS image … and are therefore equipped by Him, in Him, and through Him to accomplish the tasks He has laid in your path … INCLUDING parenting your children!!
.-= TeriLynneU´s last blog post … Giving Thanks =-.
I am with you in the mothering trenches, Sarah Mae, in this daily fight for JOY… You are not alone.
We do battle…
Intentional, daily battle, on our knees, preaching truth to ourselves.
It's all rather messy here, but it's beautiful — the ugly-beautiful — because He is in the center, Grace.
Your sister who so definitely does not have it together but is held by Him who does…
(((Sarah Mae)))
All's grace,
Ann
.-= Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience´s last blog post … Best Books for Girls: 20 Books She Has Loved =-.
When I was single and in college I thought my family (siblings,parents) was dysfunctional…then I realized…pretty much every family is dysfunctional! Because we are all sinners and struggle w/ self.
We all need a daily dose of God's word to keep our hearts and minds on him. Its so easy to fall off the wagon and get discouraged.
Always keep the truth close to heart so you can see life as it really is ;)
.-= Tracy @ Hall of Fame Moms´s last blog post … The answers in the dream. =-.
thanks for writing this. i know that i struggle with the mindset where i want so badly to be more than i am to my children. i know that most days, Satan is discouraging me. but at other times, God is using my desire to be more to refine me and show me where i have been stuck in the "me" mentality. i pray that God would continue to place in me a desire to be a better mom…faults and all. i am so glad He chose me to be the mommy to three (soon to be four) little souls. thank you for being real about LIFE. blessings to you this Christmas.
.-= gin´s last blog post … the BIG 7! =-.
I sure wish I could reach out and hug you! This is one of those times when blogging is frustrating because we are all over the USA and can't be there physically for one another to lend an ear or give a hug. I hope you will take advantage of friends nearby to share how you are feeling. I have suffered through depression for years, and thankfully have a network of friends who are always so encouraging and helpful when it hits. Sarah Mae, be sure you are watching yourself closely. If you start feeling worse, or are feeling this way for a few weeks, you should talk with your doctor. Don't suffer through it.
I think every mom on the planet feels like this from time to time. Don't beat yourself up.
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
"The Lord upholds all those who fall, and lifts up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145:14
Praying for you.
.-= Cherie´s last blog post … Christmas Wishes =-.
Yes! Me, me, me! I could have written this post. What a wonderful reminder that God does ALWAYS know what He is doing. And I am grateful that I get to be my children's mommy. Thank you for sharing this.
Yes! I constantly feel like a big failure. I'm always wondering why He blessed me with 9 blessings. I certainly don't deserve them. I feel just like you; why didn't the Lord send them to someone more joyful and patient? But I think it's because I need to learn just as much (or more) than they do. It's only by His grace…
Everything you've said here (and I do mean everything, every detail) describes what I've been struggling with for the past four months, every single day.
I prayed last night for God to help me overcome this, and He answered my prayer through you. I can't tell you how much this post is working in my heart, I just can't find those words. Thank you, more than you know.
.-= Wendy´s last blog post … I Don't Usually Do This… =-.
I fight this all the time…but then I try to remember just what you've been told. God blessed me with my family for a reason. He would never have entrusted me with them if that wasn't just what I was meant to be entrusted with and even when I don't know what I'm doing…HE ALWAYS DOES!!
.-= Kristen´s last blog post … Great Wolf Lodge Review (Part IV–Snowland Events) =-.
I think this is why grandparenting is such a blessing. Today my almost-three-year-old granddaughter helped me sew patchwork Christmas stockings. She played with the buttons on the machine and got in the way and made the job ten times harder than it should've been and I loved it! Had my sons done the same thing when they were little I would've gotten so frustrated and perhaps ended up losing my cool. Ditto for baking and all the other things that we as mothers do. It's so much easier without the 'little helpers'. But as a grandmother I just delight in all that kind of stuff. It's no longer frustating, it's no longer a nuisance, it's no longer wasting my time. Instead, it's one long joy. I don't know how you get that perspective when you have little ones underfoot all the time. I didn't have it then but I wish I had. And I'll let you in on another secret: I might be a grandmother but I still don't have it all together.
Yes, we all feel this way sometimes! It is only recently that I've realized God made me who I am. Some gifts I have, some I don't. The ones I don't, God can and does make up for in abundance through others who bless my kids. Bottom line, though, He knows what they need more than I ever will and HE gave them Me! Weird and wonderful :)
.-= Angela @ Homegrown Mom´s last blog post … Guess who reads my blog? =-.
I recently posted on my blog "so many thoughts but nothing to say" Well I wish I could cut and paste this post of yours. Although I am very patient in the kitchen with my girls, and love doing crafts, I find bath time is not so easy.
I do notice if I haven't had enough rest or I feel I haven't had a moment to myself I begin to freak out a little more, nothing a nice cup of coffee won't fix.
But the real part of your post that hit home was "feeling depressed, lonely and loosing your identity"
I am a Pastors wife! The expectation for this position comes with no Job description, although yes there are many scriptures in the word of God to guide me through these moments, I still have not found the balance I need to be that stereo "PASTORS WIFE" that everyone so longs for. I love being a MOM, I would love one more BABY, but I find the stress I feel of the expectations to give to people outside of my own family has my head spinning.
Sorry if this comment changes anyone's views of what your Pastor's wife is really feeling, but she probably just needs a call or a hug from you:-) it isn't often that people treat the Pastor's wife like a normal person, therefore she feels she has to not act like a normal person with normal inadequate feelings.
We are all the same, just different circumstance.
Thank you for this post, it made me feel less alone.
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by sarahmaeblogs: Anyone else ever feel like a complete failure? http://bit.ly/8gvukt...
We need a support group! Ha! UnMasked Moms – watch out, we're a little {ahem} emotional, filled with lot's of love, but only hanging on by the grace of a good God!
I heard this quote once and it stuck:
"There is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which clearly you've fallen into!" Hehehehe…
All I can say is THANK YOU. Thank you for having the courage and transparency to share that. I loved YOUR quote–"I want to do the hard things, but sometimes I can barely do the easy things." That is EXACTLY how I feel!!!! Bless you, Sarah Mae.
.-= Jessica´s last blog post … What the What?! =-.
SarahMae –
we DO need a support group. I feel like this so often – I have learned the very hard way that the enemy (defeated though he is) loves to entice us with comparison to other moms who "appear" to have it all together. It's all illusion because we ALL feel this way at one time or another. We all feel insignificant and lonely and like failures sometimes – because we are human beings.
Those feelings often lead to the feeling that we want to give up on being these warrior-guardians and godly guides for our children! We are raising new warriors for God's kingdom and if the enemy can get us to fall down – shirk our calling – he can worm his way into their hearts and minds, too.
When I keep the bigger picture about being a mom in my sights – living a godly life modeled for my husband and family that points to our Father – it's easier to handle the stresses and difficulties of being a wife & mom. It's easier to lay down my life because it's not just about scraping dirty dishes or wiping yukky noses (or butts) – it's about the Kingdom of God. All of it. When I remember that serving my husband and instructing my children is the same as doing it unto Christ – my complaints and insignificance melt away.
The enemy gets us off kilter by getting us to wonder about who we are in Christ. And we are mothers by His calling, and warriors in His army – and the enemy is already defeated. Period. We can encourage each other to remember this – to focus on this – in the midst of the challenges we face – and support one another and come alongside one another in places like this…
.-= Debbie´s last blog post … Happy Coffee Day! Friday Shots =-.
Thank you for sharing and being so open! I really appreciated how you pointed out that the devil is defeated. He IS DEFEATED – and he just wants to bring the rest of us down with him. But, through Christ, we are more than conquorers in Satan's attacks! Praise God!
.-= The Domestic Contessa´s last blog post … An Encouraging Post =-.
I have felt like this since the birth of my 2nd son, 2.5 years ago. At times I wondered if maybe we weren't supposed to have more than 1 child and maybe God forgot (lightly, I wondered, because I know God makes no mistakes). I was always tired, irritable, couldn't get it all together, couldn't think straight, felt like I was living in a fog. I pushed myself to get done what needed to be done, but I never had extra energy to do those crafts or the patience to allow my older son to cook with me or things like that. I felt very much like a failure since this didn't used to be my personality when I just had 1 child. I was patient and sat and played and went places and did fun things…and enjoyed it! In September, I went to the dr for a regular checkup and mentioned how tired I had been feeling…maybe I had allergies. Long story short, after seeing 3 doctors, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease…and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as a result. I'm now on treatment and feeling worse than ever…BUT I no longer beat myself up and speak negatively about myself. I realize that I have limits, and this is what God has allowed for me at this time. I guess my point in saying all of this is twofold. 1) If you don't feel like yourself, get it checked out. I never thought to…it just didn't occur to me. Instead of thinking there was something physically wrong, I just considered myself a failure at mothering. 2) Even if you're perfectly healthy…Allow yourself to have limits. God knows what you can handle and won't give you more. You don't have to do crafts and cook and plan elaborate days for your children for them to have a wonderful childhood. Recently, I read your post about your Christmas countdown calendar. I thought it was wonderful and wanted so badly to do something like that but quickly realized it was above my limits. I looked at you like you say you are looking at other moms…I wish I could be like that! ;) Don't be too hard on yourself, Sarah. One of the things God has taught me through this illness is just to take time with my children instead of trying to do everything else (even planning outings or crafts or other things!). Some days that means just sitting on the floor with them and making silly rhymes. Some days that means watching a movie together. It's not fancy these days. But what I've learned is that they don't know the difference. And I'm giving them more of myself than I was when I was attempting to do more for them. Sorry this is so long…just started writing and this is where I ended up. ;) Hugs to you…the mere fact that you want to be a better mother says to me that you are a fabulous mother now.
I stumble across your blog and am grateful for it. I have felt this, I have even internalized it and been known to apologize to my children for it. The reminder that I am the momma that God gave my kids, and knowing He knows is exactly what I needed, thank you.
Suzanne
Just another MOMYS http://www.himhimthem.blogspot.com
I just wanted to say WOW! I'm so humbled by your honesty and so grateful for it! I feel this way very frequently. But I have tried to also remind myself daily our Lord doesn't make mistakes…that every little thing that goes on in life is within His will. My baby (and one on the way!) was given to me because there is something God worked in each of us to make us an awesome pair as mommy and baby. Thanks again for this post.