My Primary Focus Right Now – Obedience From My Babes
December 3rd, 2009
I am realizing how quickly disobedience reigns when not nipped in the bud! It is my primary focus right now to teach my children obedience, first-time obedience, with a happy heart and willing spirit…so it will be well with them (see commandment #5).
All else is on the back burner right now.
The below excerpt from Charlotte Mason has spurred me on greatly…
“The mother’s great stronghold is in the habit of obedience. If she begin by requiring that her children always obey her, why, they will always do so as a matter of course; but let them once get the thin end of the wedge in, let them discover that they can do otherwise than obey, and a woeful struggle begins, which commonly ends in the children doing that which is right in their own eyes.
This is the sort of thing which is fatal: The children are in the drawing room, and a caller is announced. ‘You must go upstairs now.’ ‘Oh, mother dear, do let us stay in the window-corner; we will be as quiet as mice!’ The mother is rather proud of her children’s pretty manners, and they stay. They are not quiet, of course; but that is the least of the evils; they have succeeded in doing as they chose and not as they were bid, and they will not put their necks under the yoke again without a struggle. It is in little matters that the mother is worsted. ‘Bedtime, Willie!’ ‘Oh, mamma, just let me finish this’; and the mother yields, forgetting that the case in point is of no consequence; the thing that matters is that the child should be daily confirming a habit of obedience by the unbroken repetition of acts of obedience. It is astonishing how clever the child is in finding ways of evading the spirit while he observes the letter. ‘Mary, come in.’ ‘Yes, mother’; but her mother calls four times before Mary comes. ‘Put away your bricks’; and the bricks are put away with slow reluctant fingers. ‘You must always wash your hands when you hear the first bell.’ The child obeys for that once, and no more.
To avoid these displays of willfulness (wilLESSnes), the mother will insist from the first on an obedience which is prompt, cheerful, and lasting–save for lapses of memory on the child’s part. Tardy, unwilling, occasional obedience is hardly worth the having; and it is greatly easier to give the child the habit of perfect obedience by never allowing him in anything else, than it is to obtain this mere formal obedience by a constant exercise of authority.
By-and-by, when he is old enough, take the child into confidence; let him know what a noble thing it is to be able to make himself do, in a minute, and brightly, the very thing he would rather not do. To secure this habit of obedience, the mother must exercise great self-restraint; she must never give a command which she does not intend to see carried out to the full. And she must not lay upon her children burdens, grievous to be borne, of command heaped upon command.”
You have so much wisdom to share, Sarah Mae.I am struggling with this same thing! May God bless you as you guide your children’s hearts to Him.
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Ooooh love it! Which volume (and where) is that from?? I would love to read this in it’s entirety! :) Isn’t it such a blessing to see God bring people/resources to speak to you and encourage you? I love it. Keep it up Sarah Mae! You are such a blessing and thank you for sharing your convictions and vision/goals with us :)
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OUCH! My toes are bleeding.
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What wise and beautiful words. This is my biggest issue right now with my beautiful daughter. Now that she is 3 and able to do things on her own, she is starting to behave as if I am not worthy of listening to. Thank you so much. Obedience from my babies, with a happy and willing heart, is what I desire as well.
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Ok seriously…that is exactly what I have felt God calling me to. We’re only playing homeschool right now because my babes are young…and I’ve felt the pressure to help them learn specific things (counting, ABCs, colors, etc). Certainly these things are good and they should know them, but I’ve decided that the MOST important thing for them to learn right now is obedience captured in an awareness of God, His worldview and authority. That is what I can teach them…and it has become so much more of a priority than just the ABCs…
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What challenging words! Thanks for the reminder. This time of year (when we’re visiting both sets of grandparents in other states) I sometimes let moments of disobedience slide. I have to remember my responsibility to train them up right!
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Wow, Sarah. This has spoken straight into my mommy heart. I’ve been feeling very weary over this. Thanks for sharing yourself in this — it is helping me to readjust my stance and settle into it, until my babies experience the rest of obedience. May God help us mommies.. we need Him so!
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Thanks for this reminder, Sarah Mae – I’ve been distracted as of late and have let some things slide that are adding up. Nip it in the bud!! :)
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Thank you for this post! Both of my daughters are very strong-willed, to the point of being intentionally disobedient. I really need to work on this aspect of my parenting, and I really needed to read this today.
Again, thank you!
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One of my favorite things I heard an older mom say to a child who was disobedient, “because I am a woman of my word, you are receiving this discipline, and you will each time you choose to disobey your mother.” We must follow through with our children so they can trust our word, in good times, dangerous times, and when they need to lean on our wisdom as parents as to whether or not an activity or behavior is okay!
That is one of the things we’re focusing on with Kiddo right now. That and being respectful to us. I have tried to make him see how important it is to obey immediately without question. He is as strong-willed as his daddy and I put together, so it’s a battle, but one that I know we must win. We love him too much not to.
very good reminder… I am definitely slipping in the creative excuses department, “evading the spirit while observing the letter”… children can be so clever and seemingly innocent. I am easily fooled, until later.
Obey “ALL THE WAY, RIGHT AWAY, WITH A HAPPY HEART” is the mantra a sweet mentor mom taught me and I need to stick with it.
Thanks!
Great post! I’m going to link to it this Saturday in my around the blogosphere post. :)
Perfect words… thank you!
I had realized that I had a deep ‘need’ growing up to understand the ‘why’. If my parents (or anyone, for that matter) would just help me understand, I could comply much easier and joyfully do what was required of me.
Unfortunately, I carried this on to my parenting and allowed my children to ask ‘why’… and since I understood this ‘need to understand’, I always took the time to gently explain so that they would obey willingly.
It took me years to finally realize that the Lord OFTEN asks things of us and we must simply… obey. We don’t always get to know why!
Last year we spent some time talking about this with the kids… explaining that even though we might not understand… even though we might not agree… when the Lord asks us to do something, we do it without question simply because He is our God. In our home, we are practicing that obedience to the Lord by obeying mom and dad… immediately and without question.
Unfortunately, I helped encourage my daughter to be like me growing up… if she doesn’t understand the ‘why’, she really struggles to obey. It has been a huge learning time for both of us as I teach her that it is okay to not understand why… that what is important is that she obey with a willing heart. We are deeeeep in the process of learning this…
Thank you for the lovely post of encouragement… such wisdom in those words.
Jenni
Thought provoking, but I often need to be reminded that obedience should not be required when I am only asking for it, because I want my kids to “look” good. Discipline should always be for the shaping of my child heart, not because the way he is acting is merely inconvenient. As we enter the “terrible two’s” I am hoping that I can be consistent when needed and gracious enough to let him just be a boy sometimes.
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A worthy endeavor, indeed! My husband and I have always (though not perfectly) required obedience from our children, and we are now reaping the benefits. At 12 and 10, they are a delight, in public and at home.
I also want to echo Jessica’s comment above, that we be careful not to demand obedience for the wrong reasons (which in my case, sometimes correlates with my hormones – ouch!).
Ahh, I need this reminder so often. Just today I had to put Krash to nap early because he disobeyed, it broke my heart cuz it was sunny and pretty outside. But he was warned and I had to follow through with the tough love, and it was tough.
Doesn’t matter how much Tot School he has, if his heart isn’t obedient, nothing else matters. Godly discipline is so tough, but oh so right and rewarding.
Just the other night my husband and I were reflecting on my oldest, Pac, and how difficult he was from about age 3-6, and how wonderful he is now. He was (and is) a true strong willed child and we have had to really learn what it means to discipline God’s way. We don’t have it down by any means, but to see how far he has come gives us so much hope. We trust God’s ways fully, now if only we can remember daily to speak and act in HIS ways.
;-)
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We expect first time obedience and for the most part, the kids really do live up to the expectations. However, I have found that the HARDEST part for me is not in the following through, but in being careful of my words in the first place. If I expect them to obey — and obey immediately — then I need to be careful of what I ask them to do. I want to respect my children and not place undue burden on them. If they are in the middle of a block tower and I tell them, “you must go pick up your toys outside right now” I have to expect them to obey…but was I kind in my request? Do I like to be told to stop what I am doing RIGHT THAT MINUTE and do something else. And so, I am working on reasonable requests — like “You have just a few more minutes and then I am going to tell you to put your blocks away.” Or, “You can finish getting that doll dressed and then you need to put them away for dinner.” I was taught to be obedient as a child but I wasn’t loved or respected in the process. I obeyed out of fear, not out of any love and respect for my parents. I want to make sure that I don’t recreate this obedience pattern in my own kids.
I wish you the best in your pursuit right now. With four kids age 6, 5, 3, and 1…and teaching child #4 about obedience…I can say how thankful I feel EVERY day that my first three have shown that kids can be happy and obey and trust that their mother’s word is worthy of being trusted and obeyed. It takes a LOT of time and effort but the results are totally worth it!
You have NO idea how good your timing is with this post. Really. Thank you!
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Great post!! I have always enjoyed Charlotte Mason and was in need of reading that this afternoon! Thanks!!
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Has been my focus too. A friend referred me to this book To Train Up A Child by Michael Pearl…I think the website is http://www.nogreaterjoy.org or .com. Obedience is not obedience unless it happens immediately. Kids are slicker than they understand – about how to get their own ways.
Thank you for the encouraging post!
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What more can I say. Thanks for the reminder, the encouragement, and the place to that I am not alone in this mission. Blessings, richly!
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What book is that from? sounds like a good read! I’ve been planning on spending my Christmas break reading some of her books but I don’t know where to start.
Look how many of us are saying the same thing – and it’s all what I would say. God has so been burdening my heart about this with my girls. And I have so wanted to not just expect robotic compliance but joyful willingness to obey because it pleases God. I want them to know that NOW while they’re young and tender.
Please DO tell where you read that. Charlotte Mason’s name has been in my eyesight more times than I can count in the past week and God has increasingly whispered in my ear to call my children to obedience, and I turn around and see yet another quote or excerpt from Charlotte Masons’ writings. Is there a good resource list for her? Everything she wrote? =) lol
Thank you for writing this today – it is good to read, good to remember, and so good to know that God is speaking to so many mother’s hearts.
This is a huge struggle in my house. I have an 8 year old and 2 year old sons and an 11 month old daughter. The boys push me to my limits with disobedience and I feel like I have let it spin wildly out of control. Please share what you are doing to get a handle on disobedience. Some major changes need to happen in our lives, because we are all headed down a bad path!
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On Saturday I am going to post a list of great resources I have found on training children in obedience – look for it! :)
Ok, but how.
What happens when they don’t obey the first time you have lovingly asked them to do some reasonable request?
I’m in the same boat as everyone else, but what does Never allow, or Do not tolerate look like in real life in this day and age? If you know what I mean.
EM – I am going to post a great list of links that will answer all these burning questions… :)
Thanks so much SarahMae, I’m greatly anticipating the list.
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