Am I Selfish?


Today is a guest post from Kela (fellow 516 gal).  Love her.  Enjoy.

How selfish am I? That is a question that I’ve asked myself periodically in my marriage. I’d been withholding my love from my husband and not even known it.

You may ask, “Just how have you been selfish and withholding your love?” Some of the answer may be obvious…sex; but other things weren’t so obvious at first glance. I had to sit there and stare to see it at first.

It’s true that I am a woman with thoughts, emotions and feelings but God brought me to the realization that I’m to put those things aside or throw them away if I am not obedient to His Word first. The Scripture passage that He used to bring it to light was Ephesians 5:24, “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”

Yeah, yeah. I’ve skimmed that verse dozens of times. It was in the heat of feeling wounded that “In everything” was laid in my lap. What was I going to do with that? God, please. (Imagine my head and eyes rolling at this point). Uh huh, I went there with Him.

“Do you know what he just said to me?”, I said to my Daddy (Abba Father). His response…”I know full well what he said to you. He doesn’t even know that he hurt you. You just read My Word and you have a choice to make. Either you can sit there and sulk and be disobedient or you can go and grab your husband and apologize for having a bad attitude toward him. I’m your rewarder when you’re obedient. Your goal is to first please me. Love him like I love him (and you for that matter).”

WHOA! I couldn’t argue with that (nor did I want to). At that point I realized that selfishness had played a major role in my attitude toward my husband. It was all about me and how my needs weren’t being met, how he was being insensitive to me, how I’m not the one at fault in this.

Two words; “IN EVERYTHING” transformed the way I thought about my response to my husband. There were and are continually choices to be made in handling situations: be obedient to God’s Word and He will reward me. My attitude is not to be contingent on my husband’s obedience to God’s Word.


Kela is truly a Daddy’s girl (Abba Father). Has been for almost 15 years now. She has a major crush on her best friend and husband, Brian for over 15 years. She is the mother and homeschooler of six wild and crazy kids (but they do know how to act in public). First on her list of things to do every morning is to brew a cup of delicious coffee and spend time with God She and her husband have a heart for helping and enriching the marriages of those around them by being mentors.
She can be found at Pursuing What is Excellent writing about marriage, children and whatever else God is breathing into her to pour out to others.

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19 Coffee Talks on “Am I Selfish?”

  1. heidi jo says:

    oooo.. love this post!

  2. Tiffany says:

    What? Does that really mean I have to apologize to my husband when he hurt me? Really?? This is going to take some real soul searching on my part. I wish I could have known this last night when he put me to the test. Honestly, I failed it. I can chalk it up as a learned lesson after reading your post today. thank you.

  3. Guilty. I am terribly selfish. I know I am and I continue on that path daily. It is as if you wrote this post for me. Ugh. I am glad I found Kela here. I will head over to her blog and see what else fits.

  4. That’s my girl! Show that man that you serve a loving and forgiving God. Hmmm…guess I better go do the same huh? (groan and eye rolling) Why does God ALWAYS do this to me? LOL

  5. Great post
    Thanks for the reminder that it is not about "me"

  6. Kela says:

    Oh girls! Its a daily decision to walk out that “In Everything”. Even though an apology isn’t always required, forgiveness is. It was even helpful for me to read my own post again this morning, but I’ll write my confession on my blog. LOL.
    .-= Kela´s last blog post … Am I Selfish? =-.

  7. Way to be honest and challenging! I have been thinking about something along similar lines. I wrote a post two days ago called "How to Mommy Your Husband." It is an area that I recently became convicted about and an place in my heart where I didn't realize I was being disobedient. Thanks for the encouragement!
    .-= Desiring Virtue´s last blog post … Yummy Bagel Recipe =-.

  8. oh, something else that my pastor just preached a couple Sundays ago that I found so helpful was this. Submission matters because the gospel matters. It doesn't matter if your husband is worthy of it, because Christ IS. Praise God that we don't simply serve human beings, but the supreme God of the universe!
    .-= Desiring Virtue´s last blog post … Yummy Bagel Recipe =-.

  9. "In everything"? Are you sure? Yep, I just checked. Its in my book too. Guess I skimmed over that also. Thanks for the wake up call!
    .-= Marci@OvercomingBusy´s last blog post … Have Yourself A Stress-free Little Christmas – at TCM =-.

  10. Charmaine says:

    I must say guilty also. “Love him like I love him. That’s one of those profound words from the Lord that is like a two edged sword. I’m sure I use the excuse many times that I am in an unequally yoked marriage and that is why it’s been so much harder the last 15 years since I’ve been truly saved and dedicated versus the first 20 when we were equally yoked to the world. Many times I self condemn and say others must be saying I must not be doing something right in my marriage or my husband would be saved but then it is the truth that speaks back to me that it is personal choice and I can only pray that the Holy Spirit will speak to him. He buys me cross necklaces and earrings every year for Christmas as well as beautiful paintings of the Lord, and coffee cups with scripture on them. For some reason he will not surrender (I think it has to do with some tragic events that have happened in our lives of which there have been quite a few that caused me to run TO God but he chose to run FROM God) and it breaks my heart because selfishly I want him to walk by my side as a man who Loves God with all his heart, soul, and strength. Anyway thanks for being obedient to the word as well as in your writing. Glad I found your website and I love the design.
    God bless!!
    .-= Charmaine´s last blog post … THANKFUL THURSDAY =-.

  11. What a true, true, yet tough post.
    I especially appreciate when you said “Your goal is to first please me. Love him like I love him.”
    As I’m sure you know, that’s not always easy… but still we are instructed to do it, even when we feel wronged. Love and service to God are more important than our feelings and egos.
    .-= Amy @ MomsToolbox´s last blog post … SOAP: Love is patient in parenting, too =-.

  12. Kela says:

    I’ve been greatly encouraged by all of your comments. It’s a big reminder for me daily.
    I pray for our marriages to be strengthened by God’s love and that no matter what, we can love each other with agape love.
    .-= Kela´s last blog post … Am I Selfish? =-.

  13. I appreciate your challenge, Kela. Were you eavesdropping on my prayer time today? :)
    .-= Julie@comehaveapeace´s last blog post … POWER 2 Conquer Complaining =-.

  14. Traci says:

    Oh Kela! So so so so good! So so so so true! I’m so selfish, as well!

    Love how you said “that God is our rewarder, when I am obedient”.

    .-= Traci´s last blog post … Be Blessed Challenge: Psalm 119 (Some Updates and Questions For You) =-.

  15. Oh. my. word.

    Kela, did you see inside my heart lately? This post has hit so close to home. Ouch ouch ouch.

    Now I must get ready to do some major apologizing to my sweetie.

    .-= Kelly @ Wisdom Begun´s last blog post … Today is My Birthday =-.

  16. Heathahlee says:

    “My attitude is not to be contingent on my husband’s obedience to God’s Word.”

    I soooooo needed to read this!!!!! Thank you, Kela!

  17. Mindy says:

    Thank you for confirming what God’s been saying to me. God has been showing me lately that selfishness it at the root of almost every sin I commit. It is an ongoing theme, and a few years ago I didn’t think I was selfish at all.

    The scene from the gospels where Christ is telling Peter what kind of death he will die, and Peter wants to skip over him and talk about John hits me hard, Jesus basically tells Peter, if I want him to live till I come again, don’t worry about it. You follow me. Every time I try to pray, but God he… I hear, “don’t worry about him, you follow me.” It stings, but it is so true, my actions aren’t based on anyone else’s. I must follow Him fully.
    .-= Mindy´s last blog post … =-.

  18. Allison says:

    Wow! What a great post and reminder. Thank you!!

  19. Tracy says:

    Another good post. I am appreciating this blog even more for sharing the “hard” stuff. To obey God, we need to examine ourselves regularly for areas of disobedience. Not glamorous or fun, but necessary!

    Thanks again girls!
    .-= Tracy´s last blog post … Can you earn income from home? =-.

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