Avoiding Affairs, Part 1 – I Married The Man I Had An Affair With
September 2nd, 2009
Today’s post is from Serena Woods, author of Grace is For Sinners.
Just over four years ago, I had an affair and destroyed two marriages. There are many others out there who have done the same and they can sit next to their original spouses and share the story of healing, forgiveness and restoration. I did not stay with my husband. I married the man I had an affair with.
During my healing process, I wondered how I could have anything of value to say since it looks like I got everything I wanted. I thought that my testimony of healing would make more sense if I were left broken and alone while he
healed his relationship with his wife. If I discovered, after all, that he was not the fantasy that I fell in love with, then I could use that to get others to rethink their decisions. I could have been a living-breathing example of things not working out well and the fantasy not being real. A woman in that situation, however, does not believe that she will fail. She’ll believe that, although it didn’t work out for me, it will for her because what they have is different and no one understands how powerful it really is.
Then, God asked me a question: ‘Was it worth it?’ He clarified: ‘Was what happened in your spirit worth all the love and joy with your lover?’ My love for God outweighs my love for myself and for another human and I didn’t realize that until I had what I wanted in my hands and felt what it felt like to have God turn His face from me.
If you are focused on the here and now and living for the moment with no regard for anything beyond your self, then in my case, it was worth it. If, however, you have even a speck of a relationship with Jesus then, I promise you, no romantic love in its most extravagant brilliance can come close to easing the pain of what it feels like when God turns His face from you. The absolute hopeless devastation of feeling God’s cold shoulder is enough to crush the most blatant moral criminal. Even if it’s only for a moment, you will never forget the spiritual blackout that rivets your soul with the fire studded jewelry of death in your funeral procession.
I want to turn people away from this kind of mistake if at all possible. That’s why I want to stand at the entrance of this path with a big sign that reads: BEWARE: LOVE ISN’T EVERYTHING AND LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH.
Romantic love isn’t everything because there is so much more to marriage than romantic love. There are things that you will lose that you don’t even know are there until you have to savagely cut them out of your body in a divorce.
Romantic love isn’t enough because no matter the depth of love you have for your lover it will not be enough to shield you from the spiritual pain that you will positively endure, assuming you have any sort of a relationship with God. No earthly love can touch that pain.
Romantic love isn’t enough to make sin worth the leap and the lack of
romantic love isn’t enough to make sin worth the risk.
Now, back to God’s pressing question: ‘Was it worth it?’ My answer is as informed as one you will ever receive. No. It’s not worth it and I know this because I have what they hope for.
My top 10 (or so) tips on avoiding an affair:
{1} I have never been a cheater. I am a romantic who believes in soul mates and true love. The thought of two
people who once loved each other enough to get married going and giving themselves to someone else repulsed me.
The biggest mistake you could make is believing you would never make this mistake.
{2} Something that I notice in my marriage now that didn’t exist in my original marriage was respect. Somewhere
along the line I lost all respect for my first husband. I refuse to let that happen in my current marriage. If you don’t
respect him, then you are better than him and there is someone out there who is better than him.
{3} My first husband and I were not one. We were two separate people making a family and a home together. I had
no problem keeping secrets from him. I had a set of friends, male and female, he had never met. I had a life that did
not include him at all.
{4} I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain. If a male friend confides in me and makes himself vulnerable, I feel
the responsibility to protect their secret and protect them from being misunderstood. However, this has gotten me in
situations that are not healthy for my marriage. I learned to hand those things over to my husband. He is just as
understanding and compassionate as I am and he will have more wisdom and insight. Emotional attachments form
from keeping secrets. If he’s not your husband, he’s not your responsibility.
{5} If I were faced with the same marital assault that I faced in my first marriage, I would listen to that cautious voice
in me, even if I looked stupid. When you’re out shopping, sitting in front a mound of chocolate, on your computer,
having drinks with friends, or about to reply to a suggestive text message, there is a choice to give in to self-
gratification or to use self-control. I gave in repeatedly to a lot of that list because I thought I could get out easy and
I deserved a little harmless fun.
Boundaries:
{6} I give my husband all of my passwords. There is no part of my life that I haven’t given him access to. If there is
ever a point where I am tempted to behave in a way that would hurt him if he saw it, I imagine him actually seeing it.
{7} I show him all of my messages, any form, from any man, period. He looks out for me and I trust him.
{8} Aside from tucking myself behind my husband and placing him between the world and me, I know what it feels
like to have an affair. Hurting people isn’t really the deterrent. That only gets you so far. The thing that deters me, is
the searing memory of my time in the dark. I never want to go back there.
Tomorrow you will hear from another woman on how to avoid an affair.
Click here if you don’t want to miss a post.
Avoiding Affairs, Part 2 – How Could She Do That?
Avoiding Affairs, Part 3 – Emotional Entanglement
Avoiding Affairs, Part 4 – In Love After 31 Years of Marriage
Photo Credit: Lonely Woman on Brighton Beach
Forgiveness – what it is and what it isn’t….
Forgiveness is… giving up our felt or perceived need and desire to punish someone for wrongdoing. Leave that in God’s hands and trusting that He will deal with them … either in His grace and forgiveness of them or in judgment if they refuse to acknowledge their sin or seek redemption.
Even in the case of Saul/Paul God said “I will show him how much he will suffer for My name’s sake.”
Forgiveness is not… forgetting the sin. God may be able to do this and He may grant us a healed memory or dull the recall over time but humans don’t just ‘forgive and forget.’
Forgiveness is not… going back to the way things were before. Relationships change when trust is broken. Friendships might never be renewed. Trust has to be earned over a long period of time. The offender if trying to make amends may need to allow the offended to ask questions freely, require accountability, and be open to being ‘checked up on’ especially if there has been a long pattern of deception.
Forgiveness is not… being okay, joyful and unhurt. Christ forgives us but that forgiveness comes at a very heavy cost…The crucifixion of an innocent man, and He who deserved no hurt or harm at all but suffered all of that and more for my forgiveness.
When I choose to forgive someone else I often agree to take on the hurt and pain caused by that sin, willingly. Even unwillingly I am hurt by the sin of others as they also are hurt by my sins. (eg: a pregnancy out-of-wedlock can be forgiven but there is still a baby in evidence. Adultery can ruin intimacy, communication and much else for a long time.)
I may forgive and yet suffer grief and pain nevertheless.
Grace is so truly undeserved. It is those forgiven much who often love much…Magdalene, the whore, weeping to cleanse Jesus’ feet and being present at the cross and the empty tomb, following Christ with everything she had. To me she speaks of gratitude that cannot express itself sufficiently in words and so lives as close as she can to Him.