I Had An Affair
August 24th, 2009
I’m hearing those words quite a bit lately…from Christian women.
Serena, Amber, and Sarah have been courageous enough to share their fall into affairs, and I am grateful for what we can all learn from their stories.
Friends, I know that affairs can be avoided if we guard our hearts and our minds…if we set boundaries and stay before the Lord.
If you are struggling with thoughts of another man, whether real or imaginary (movies, books), or you’re just not contented with your husband, please read my series, “Ex Prep.” I wrote the series in response to my own fears of not being able to control my emotions or my self if. Below are the links:
Ex Prep – What Would You Do If An Ex Called?
Ex Prep, Part 1 – Who Does Your Heart Belong To?
Ex Prep, Part 2 – One Woman’s Story (Guest Post)
Ex Prep, Part 3 – Your Loyalty & Your Heart
Ex Prep, Part 4 – I Can’t Help Who I Love
Ex Prep, Part 5 – How Do I Know I’m Married To The Right Person?
Ex Prep, Part 6 – It’s Not A Mistake Who Your Spouse Is
Ex Prep, Part 7 – Something Greater
I also encourage you to read through my Core Lies series – so many of us operate out of the lies we believe and we don’t even know it. Figuring out and dealing with my core lies has been a tremendous help for me in my spiritual and emotional maturity.
Breaking Free From Your Core Lies
Remember, we have a God who will help us. We are not alone in the battle.
“In order for any affair to happen, a man and a woman must be alone at some point. Don’t be alone with another man or woman and don’t engage in deep conversation with another man/woman and I guarantee you won’t have an affair, whether emotional or physical.” My man’s two cents
Your husband’s two cents is gold. I totally agree.
Sarah´s last blog post … New Home Preschool Blog!
Just wanted to say that I totally agree with your husband’s two cents. :-)
Tyra´s last blog post … Fun, Sadness, and everything in between!
Sometimes the affair happens because of a deep seeded root of hurt and abandonment in the person’s life. Unless they are able to see it and deal with it, it can turn into an addiction that might lead into an affair. Sometimes it turns to other things, like drugs or alcohol. It doesn’t always happen because a man and a woman are alone together. (and of course we should never put ourselves in that position) It happens because the person is alone with himself/herself. I also know first hand…having had to deal with my husbands affairs a year ago…and because of it, and my own anger…I did it right back to him and had my own. WRONG…ABSOLUTELY it was…BROKEN…absolutely WE WERE!! Christians…yes for 20 years… did we know what we were doing… YES! Did we know we were broken…not to the extent that GOD wanted to heal our broken ways. Serena speaks so eloquently and with truth on how the Christian culture spits you out when they find these ugly things out about their brothers and sisters. But what makes an affair uglier than drug abuse, child abuse, lying, murdering, etc… Its all the same, its all under the blood and God’s grace is for me! and for you……It’s for all of us. When you think you have it all together is when the enemy will sneak in and grab you and before you know it, you are imprisoned. Be careful lest you fall…I KNOW…I WAS THERE!
My husband and I are still together..more in love than our first 18 years together, more in need of a savior than ever before, more in tune to the grace bestowed upon us. We are forever broken people..we are forever Christ’s children..we are forever VICTORIOUS!!
Thanks Sarah for sharing these stories..its more prevalent in the Christian world than one likes to think.
Lesley´s last blog post … {Grace is for Sinners}
I love your husband’s advice! So very, very true!
Your husband summed it up perfectly!
Melissa G.´s last blog post … Ice Age 3 & Big E
Men are so practical… gotta love that!
Liv, I told my husband that and he said, “yea, except for the ones who engage in the affairs!” Good point! :)
Lesley, thank you so much for bring this up! In fact, after I read your comment I went ahead and added my Core Lies series b/c I think it hits on some of what you are talking about. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this difficult topic!
I know someone who believes an affair is possible no matter how much you love your spouse if only given the opportunity. I believe that it’s a conscious decision. You’re either deciding to do it…or deciding to do nothing about it. I think that little bell would go off in your head when things were starting to happen and you either choose to ignore that or you would listen to it and be convicted…stopping it before it gets started. What do you think?
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I agree with your husband. Especially for women and the “deep conversations”, because women are relational and that’s how we can get drawn in. Keep contact with people of the opposite sex brief and professional.
Now, when we hang out with married couples, I keep eye contact with the husband extremely brief when talking. I bounce my eyes a lot, just to avoid any kind of “personal” connect, know what I mean? I keep my relationship focused on the gal :)
Christin´s last blog post … Reflections
I live by the same advice you husband gave. If I won’t even be alone with another man, there is no way it will get out of hand! This rule has been a real help for me. My father commited adultry against my mother, they divorced and lots of pain was caused. When I was little they promised me that they would never sepperate…the same thing I promise my children. He broke his promise, how could I be sure I wouldn’t break mine?
I found peace through knowing that I’d have to spend time alone, talking and having physical contact with another man to have a relationship progress to an affair. So, I don’t talk to a man on the phone or send emails without letting my husband know. I am never alone in a room or ride in a car with a man alone. These are some ways I safeguard my heart.
Laryssa @ Heaven In The Home´s last blog post … What Is That Bird?
I had an affair on my husband five years ago. Today actually is five years ago that I gave myself to the other man. God has healed and restored my marriage. Only He could do that. It is so easy to fall into this trap. Thank you for sharing with and encouraging people to NOT fall.
misty´s last blog post … Father Figure
Misty, what advice would you give to women on how to steer clear of an affair?
I think communication and honesty is of the utmost importance, also. If you find yourself wanting to hide something from your husband, that is a red flag. I give my husband access to my facebook page, email, twitter, and I let him know where I am and who I’m with.
I adore my husband, so this is not hard, but I often tell others how awesome he is, and spend time dwelling on his positive points.
Great advice.
Real Life Sarah´s last blog post … "I am the Friend"
sarah,
first of all i totally agree with your husband. now, i am never alone with a man. ever. it’s just what has to happen.
secondly, you asked a question on my blog so I think I’ll answer it here and then maybe next week answer it on my own blog. you asked where and when when i was having the affair? because he was friends with my husband and this man was basically my best friend too at the time, i would go to lunch with him. we’d meet at the gym early in the morning. and then we’d just sneak the “other” part of it when we could.
my husband “trusted” me so I could get away with a lot.
it’s really sad now when i think back on this.
i know others will have questions (on my series) that are similar to this and I will answer them i think in a separate blog post. thank you so much for asking.
blessings
Sarah Markley´s last blog post … My New Name: Part 2
Thank you Sarah! I sent you an email…I’m hoping you’ll “agree!” :)
Hi Sarah….it’s super nice to meet you and what a wonderful place amongst God you have here…….
I’ll certainly be back :)
My husband and I have been married almost 15 years and I had an affair 13 years ago with a man I knew through work. The best thing for us was that I immediately quit my job and made a commitment to being a stay-at-home wife, and now I’m a mom, too. It was such a relief to remove myself from the situation and from a very stressful working environment where I had Godless co-workers who encouraged this type of behavior. I’m not making excuses for myself, but I do want to say that this happened when I was when I was 24 and I was not saved until I was 27. Hope this can help someone in some way.
Sarah Mae – those are great series with lots of good tips. And I think your husband is very wise!!
Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates´s last blog post … Tea For Two-sday ~ A Yummy Tea
Just a thought…I am often alone with people, but strictly on a professional level. So the idea of simply never being alone with someone isn’t always very practical.
In reading through your ex-prep series I thought of a couple things myself…
1. I believe I contributed to the ending of my first marriage by constantly thinking about another man. I never talked to him or kept in touch but I did the “what if” in my mind. After my 2nd husband met him and I saw him again after many years I realized how very foolish I was having these thoughts since he was very in love with his wife and children. I think just seeing hime and talking with him (with my husband along) helped shed that illusion I carried throughout my first marriage.
2. It also reminds me of some quotes I’ve wrote down from Karen Kingsbury’s book Redemption -
1. The more bad choices you make, the less bad your
choices seem.
2. Love is a decision – not always an easy one.
From her book Remember -
God wants us to remember our first love – both with him and with our spouse. When we remember that way, we’re better able to honor the person we are unhappy with. After that, everything else falls into place.
Thank you for sharing this series with us. As I continue to strive to honor my husband. :)
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I so agree with Real Life Sarah- speaking positively about your mate around your friends, family, etc. can build him up in your eyes as well. Our thoughts need to be held accountable- if you are constantly thinking negatively about your spouse you will find yourself more vulnerable to being tempted by another man.
In addition, I agree in being transparent with passwords, etc and your husband’s advice is right on target.
It all boils down to never giving the enemy a foothold in the first place.
Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog post … Reflections
I just want to thank these women for being so open and honest about their past struggles. It is not easy to lay your life out for others to see, so I am thankful that they have chosen to put themselves out there in order for others to learn.
Satan comes to lie, deceive, and destroy. In my opinion, it can happen to any of us if we don’t keep our guards up. I appreciate your openness to post about marital affairs because they happen daily and as wives, we must be committed to protecting our hearts from other men. Thank you for the reminder. I think your husband is SPOT ON!
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