Part 2 – My Abortion Story – Darkness Into The Light
It was my senior year of college. Tears were pouring down my face as I fell to my knees sobbing, crying out to the Lord, “what is wrong with me?! I am at the bottom and can’t go any lower. Please help me.” Darkness crept all over my spirit and I was worn down. My eyes were going dim and my bones could barely hold up my flesh. I was in a pit of despair.
“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry…”
I wanted to be a counselor and I needed some experience for my resume. I knew of a little place about two blocks from my apartment that might give me an internship. As I read over their application, one of the questions struck me, “What do you know about abortion?” I thought to myself, “nothing…hmmm…I better get a book on it.” Yes, I was that detached. I found a book called Forbidden Grief, The Unspoken Pain Of Abortion and set out to read it so I would be able to write an answer to the application question. I went to a little coffee shop, sat in a cushy chair with my notebook and pen all ready to take notes. That day, however, ink didn’t fill the paper, tears did. I came face to face with my hidden pain.
“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire…”
I went back to the little place two blocks from my apartment. It just so happened to be a crisis pregnancy clinic. It also just so happened to be a place that had a wonderful, kind, gentle and loving woman who counseled post-abortive women. I told her, “I think the Lord wants me to deal with my abortion.” She took me under her wing as we went through the bible study, Forgiven and Set Free. She gave me a safe place to unabashedly experience all of my emotions – denial, anger, depression…(yes, I was a perfect example of the stages of grief). I was able to admit my sin, mourn my loss, and accept forgiveness and grace. I finally felt like my feet were beginning to be planted on something…someone real.
“He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand…”
I can hug women. Ha! I know that sounds funny, but that is one of the ways I was healed. Part of my pain included a mistrust of women and if one tried to hug me, even a friend, I got stiff. I was so walled up. Now, if you ever meet me, please give me a great big hug and I will melt. I am also able to watch pro-life commercials and not leave the room. I can smile when I see little children instead of tear up. I can fully embrace my own children, knowing that it’s okay to enjoy them, God isn’t going to punish me for my sin of abortion – Jesus Christ already took that punishment for me on the cross. I am free. You know what else? I can tell my story. I am covered in grace and protection…I am loved and forgiven. The shame I once carried lies at the foot of the cross; Satan has no power over me. God is the only one who has the authority to tell me who I am…and I am His.
“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” Psalm 40: 1-3
As a sort of addendum, I want to share a cool thing that God did for me. One of the things I really wanted to know was the sex of my baby so I could name them. The Lord gave me a dream. In my dream a blond haired, bright blue eyed boy about seven or eight years old was hugging me and telling me it was okay. I kept telling him I was sorry, but he just kept saying it was okay and he’d see me again one day. His name was David.
Why I Worship
I worship God because He has freed me from the tight, painful, scarring bounds of sin.
Oh how wicked is my heart!
It sends sin cursing through my veins and finally pouring out of my flesh;
The intent of the thoughts of my heart are evil continually.
Yet, God lifted me out of the pit, out of the mud and mire, fulfilling His desire
to set me free
Free
I should be crushed, but instead, He was.
He got my sin and I got eternal life.
Everyday I battle with sin, the war within;
yet everyday His mercies are new and I can approach the throne of grace
without disgrace
but with confidence…how can it be?
Oh but for the grace of God!
In my failures, my legalism, my complacency,
my weakness, my pride, my foolishness and my fears;
I am an open book before the Lord that’s pages are covered in blood
covering the words and images of my old self.
The paint brush of my soul now dips its bristles in the blood and a new book is written,
one that He breathes life into,
guides through,
and speaks true.
My soul overflows with gratefulness, humility and joy.
I am awed at His love for me.
What can I offer? Nothing of myself is worthy, so I offer my open hands, my open heart,
and my open mouth that must speak of His glory, that must tell of His story!
My soul bows in worship,
true, unrestrained, vulnerable adoration for my King.
I cannot contain my soul,
for it,
is
glad.
If you are in bondage because of a past abortion, you don’t have to be. You don’t have to live with the shame. You are not alone friend, and you don’t have to walk in fear. If you need a safe place to begin, I’m here. But I can only offer so much. There is only one who can offer what your soul needs. Run to Him.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
I hadn't read this post before, but thanks SO much for sharing! Yesterday I participated in something called Walk for Life to benefit a local crisis pregnancy center(see my post about it here. They offer post-abortion Bible study/support groups that sound like the one you were in. There is a little rose garden there where women can put a little plaque to their baby as part of their healing. God bless you for sharing your story to help and inspire others. ((hugs))
I am 55 years old thank you for writing this now I know that jesus can heal that pian and shame guilt that I have lived with since 1973
I am 55 years old thank you for writing this now I know that jesus can heal that pian and shame guilt that I have lived with since 1973
What an incredible story. Thank you for bravely sharing.
What an incredible story. Thank you for bravely sharing.
I read your story and kept thinking "I could have written this." Almost the same exact situation with me, also 16 at the time I was forced (by my family) to abort my child – same feelings, same shame, all of the same emotions that you wrote about. I am now 40 and still mourn my first baby. Thank you for sharing and showing that we can be redeemed and set free through Christ alone.
I read your story and kept thinking “I could have written this.” Almost the same exact situation with me, also 16 at the time I was forced (by my family) to abort my child – same feelings, same shame, all of the same emotions that you wrote about. I am now 40 and still mourn my first baby. Thank you for sharing and showing that we can be redeemed and set free through Christ alone.
Sarahmae, this is a wonderful testimony and truly evidence that God has redeemed the years the locust have eaten. Thank you for sharing and proclaiming the power of Christ, through the forgiveness found in the cross, to heal and become whole.
Sarahmae, this is a wonderful testimony and truly evidence that God has redeemed the years the locust have eaten. Thank you for sharing and proclaiming the power of Christ, through the forgiveness found in the cross, to heal and become whole.
Wow, that is an awesome testimony. I can relate to the things you went through and being set free. Praise the Lord for you and sharing your story. Hugs to you. :o)
Wow, that is an awesome testimony. I can relate to the things you went through and being set free. Praise the Lord for you and sharing your story. Hugs to you. :o)
thanks for sharing that was amazing
thanks for sharing that was amazing
Being someone who tried for over 10 tears to conceive with my husband with no luck and many losses,whom was blessed with a child through adoption ,I am very much pro~life. That being said ,I do not judge you.Your story made me cry realizing God is so good and does forgive.Sometimes it is harder to forgive ourself for our sins,I am meaning me mainly. I am so glad God gave you peace. I am always reminded of when Jesus in the bible ,they brought the adultress to him wanting her to be stoned and he said those of you without sin cast the first stone,(not word for word).We all sin,we are human.If it wasn't for God's grace and mercy we would be lost.Sin is sin. I hope to adopt again soon.I just pray there is someone out there that isn't being pressured into abortion and chooses life.Adoption is a wonderful and amazing thing.Hugs to you for your loss.
Being someone who tried for over 10 tears to conceive with my husband with no luck and many losses,whom was blessed with a child through adoption ,I am very much pro~life. That being said ,I do not judge you.Your story made me cry realizing God is so good and does forgive.Sometimes it is harder to forgive ourself for our sins,I am meaning me mainly. I am so glad God gave you peace. I am always reminded of when Jesus in the bible ,they brought the adultress to him wanting her to be stoned and he said those of you without sin cast the first stone,(not word for word).We all sin,we are human.If it wasn't for God's grace and mercy we would be lost.Sin is sin. I hope to adopt again soon.I just pray there is someone out there that isn't being pressured into abortion and chooses life.Adoption is a wonderful and amazing thing.Hugs to you for your loss.
Totally in tears here and in awe of your courage. *THANK YOU!* for being so strong and so open. I just don't have any more words to express all of the emotions I'm feeling~just I appreciate you…. (((((HUGS))))) sandi
Totally in tears here and in awe of your courage. *THANK YOU!* for being so strong and so open. I just don't have any more words to express all of the emotions I'm feeling~just I appreciate you…. (((((HUGS))))) sandi
God is so good. Glory to Him for all that He has delivered us through and from. What a great testimony…and yes I cried. Twice.
God is so good. Glory to Him for all that He has delivered us through and from. What a great testimony…and yes I cried. Twice.
I am sure that I am not the only one who cried during this. Our heavenly Father is absolutely amazing in bestowing His grace on us, the undeserved.There is not a one of us who does not need His grace. Not one of us is better than the other.Thank you for this. I was blessed by your sharing of this.
What a beautiful story God has been writing in your life! His light shines brightly through you, and I THANK YOU for your courage to share such a difficult part of your past. Keep shining!
Okay, and I just realized that I commented on "Part 1" of your story some time ago…TOO FUNNY!! Can you tell your testimony moves me, EACH time I read it!?! :D
Beautiful story of love and forgiveness. Thank you for your openness. (and I agree, there needs to be a kleenex warning! *smile*)
Sarah,
I went through a similar experience at just barely 18 years old. What is really amazing is that I, too, had a dream/vision so like yours it shook me to my soul.
My dream was of a little girl, who looked a lot like I did as a child, running out to meet me, about 7 or 8 years old, and she leapt into my arms and hugged me tight and said, "I forgive you, Mommy!" And I just beamed and wept with joy and hugged her.
These dreams are God's visual gift of His redeeming grace because we have Faith in His Son. Thank God for Jesus!!!
Thank you for sharing this story with me.
Sarah H.
When I read this I think, God is good.
.-= Jessica´s last blog post … Merry Christmas! =-.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
After my baby girl's death I also saw her in Heaven, the sun was shining and she was playing in a field of flowers. It was beautiful and gave me so much peace and re-assurance.
.-= Stefanie´s last blog post … Quote 2 =-.
My best friend in high school got pregnant. One of my co-workers at a restaurant whom I also went to high school with told me to tell my friend she could go to 'a big city' and get an abortion. She had had five so far…
My friend decided to marry her boyfriend and keep her baby. That child was such a blessing to her family. Even though her mom and dad didn't stay together she had a loving family that cared for and loved her. She now has two precious children of her own.
I have a hard time digesting how anyone could brush off human life like my co-worker and the women in your story. But it happens and it's so, so sad. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Have you ever read "Tilly"?
.-= Southern Gal´s last blog post … Encouragement =-.
You are in inspiration. God is certainly using you, my dear!
WOW! very powerful story, you made me cry. I understand what you must have felt when you were 16.
My sister was 16 when she had her first child & it was really hard for her being a single parent.
.-= Nicole´s last blog post … Family Service Project #1… =-.
An inspirational story, Sarah Mae. Thank you for just being available to be used of God to touch the lives of women that are living in pain, regret and condemnation. May you continue to shine for your Savior. Thank you, thank you!
Thank you for sharing your testimony. May God use you to heal many many women and men and to help turn our nation back to Him.
Blessings,
Julie
Wow! How powerful a testimony and what courage to release it. Not only in releasing it to Him but then to others in sharing it. We condemn ourselves so quickly, holding on to sin. The enemy always there to remind us. Our lives in Christ aren't based on our worthiness (for ALL have fallen short of the glory of God), but on His worthiness! It's a good thing too. Ditto, our shame lies at the foot of the cross!
.-= Tammy@if meadows speak…´s last blog post … HE Abides There =-.
As I said on incourage…I heart you. ;-) You are so wonderful to share this…and I know that through you….so many women will be healed.
.-= Kristen´s last blog post … Burma Shave Signs) =-.
Awesome story! I haven't been in those shoes but haven't we all needed God's healing? I know that someone needs this specific story and I am grateful for you sharing it with us all. God is so good!
Hugs to you, sweet friend.
.-= To Think Is To Create´s last blog post … Living Water =-.
It's always so amazing to me how gracious God is to ALL of us! I am SO guilty of judging someone for some sin or another, thinking to myself, "hey, at least I've never ***" (she says smugly & self-righteously). What I always manage to forget is that sin is sin – it's ALL black & ugly in the eyes of God. Lying? Black. Stealing? Black. Lust? Black. Murder? Black. Pre-marital sex? Black. But none is more black than any other – all of them are the same shade of black. That's what I have to keep reminding myself. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. Love you!
Your story is much like mine (it was my Aunt who "took care of it" – only I was fool enough to make the same mistake twice… it's been over 30 years and I still struggle with the whole subject. I know God has forgiven me but I sometimes do not feel as though I can forgive myself. I just want to thank you for this post! May God bless you and use you to help others! I just wish I knew God then like I do now.. things would be so different!!!
Thank you for sharing your heart, your struggle, and your redemption. I think this is something that many, many women have dealt with silently for so long, and even after they have received forgiveness from God, they don't share it with other women so that they too may know that forgiveness.
Sarah Mae, You are truly a blessing to read. I've never gone through this experience, but have other things that I have often felt too big to be forgiven for, and this was an amazing reminder that I've already been forgiven, I just need to forgive myself and shine on. God truly is amazing! That dream gave me goose bumps, and I know the your son is waiting for you.
.-= Kalee´s last blog post … Curious =-.
I love that God doesn't waste one single thing in our lives – for His glory. Thank you for a beautiful reminder of His redemption.
.-= Amy Andrews´s last blog post … How we got out of debt and 10 ways to save =-.
I had the very same experience when I was 17 years old. I was with someone who I thought loved me but in the end never really did. He left me high and dry, luckly my paretns were there for me. I so admire you for having the courage to admit and confess in order to help others….I have not yet found that courage. I still walk out of the room when I see commercials or cringe at the sight of abortion billboards. When asked if this is my second child (I have a 18 month old, one that I miscarried, and now one on the way in June) I say yes because I don't want people to suspect. I am so afraid I will be judged. I have been before…I have lost friends who I thought were supporting me but in the end were not. You have taken the step that I have yet to have the courage to take…to confess and to help others. I applaud you and hope that one day I will find that same strength you have found. God is good!
Thank you for sharing your story. It is very similar to mine except I have done it 3 times. The first was my choice, the 2nd & 3rd was my hubby's. Each time got harder and harder to do. The first was 17 years ago, the 3rd was 6 years ago.
I haven't really thought about them (mental block) until very recently. I am trying to find my way to God but feel that these mistakes will hinder my walk. I can't get rid of the feeling that He hasn't forgiven me for doing it not once but 3 times. It's hard for me to talk about it with anyone because I'm ashamed of what I have done. I'm hoping that as I continue my walk with Christ that one day I will come to know that God has forgiven me and I can forgive myself.
Thank you again.
Wow! How awesome it must feel to have the healing that Christ offers. I can't even begin to understand all that you must have felt, but I do know how amazing God's forgiveness and grace are! And what a powerful testimony this is, I pray that God helps you reach those in need of His grace and healing.
.-= Laura @ Bloggin' Mama´s last blog post … Pantry Challenge – part 4 =-.
Wow.. it never ceases to amaze me how the Lord works. I was in a similar situation as you. I was pregnant at 16. I thought about abortion, even hitting my stomach but thankfully my mother was 40 yrs older than me and couldn't have any more children. She saw mine as a gift. I chose life. I am no better than you. As a matter of fact, as I sat here just now reading your story to my now 16 year old daughter who I wanted to kill, I felt awful inside. There were many times I battled with regret and resentment towards myself and my sin. I thought at times I ruined my life. I did have a hard life because I chose to keep her. I did miss prom. I missed so very much. I was an outcast. I lost my friends. I was looked upon as a dirty shamefull person for a very long time. At least that's how I felt inside when people would stare at my daughter and I. That's how I felt everytime they would call her my sister and she would get mad. I always tell her that God can bring light out of darkness. Both of our stories prove that fact. I bet you help so many women! I pray to do the same one day. Thank you for sharing your testimony. I bet David is proud of his mommy! *hugs*
Thank you so much for sharing your story…. His story! I know it may be strange to call it beautiful, but it is absolutely beautiful…. transparency – genuine transparency is beautiful!
He is SO good. To know healing and freedom… ahh He's good!
I also became pregnant at 16. I had the baby I never saw and placed him for adoption. Found out when the adoption agency sent the papers to be signed it was a boy. I admit to being pro-life but since I'm not sin free, I surely cannot judge others. I hope the grandmother who let you down so badly came to understand her errors. Thank God, He loves us enough to give us forgiveness for our sins when we turn to Him. Sharing your story will help others and I'm thankful God gave you the courage to do so.
Oh how He loves us, Sarah Mae. Oh how He reaches down into the blackness and lifts us up into His Light. Oh how amazing His love is.
My baby's name is Hannah Grace. I was able to memorialize her in 2003, after living with agonizing grief, paralyzing shame, and crippling depression for 16 years. The struggles I have had in relationships both with my husband and my daughters are simply remnants of the enemy's battle for my mind and the trust I place in God. Knowing that HE loves me and has already covered my shame with His life's blood is so humbling and freeing.
He Loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loooooooves us…
And one day we will see our children again and hold them in our arms as we are embraced by our Father.
.-= Debbie´s last blog post … Tuesday Morning Tea =-.
You are a wonderful witness to our Lord!!! I am so glad to be able to read your story. Thank-You so much for your sharing your awesome faith!
Dear Sarah Mae … I, too, wish to thank you for your courage and for doing what I see as God's work in sharing your heart. I see it as very important work that you (and David) are doing in bringing to the attention of others this side of the abortion issue. Those who are pro-abortion so often use the line "a woman should have the right to decide about her own body" … and not give any credence to the fact that, as in your case, when abortion is forced upon a woman, she has still lost the right to decide about her own body, and her own child! This is a downside of abortion that is seldom given voice, and thank you, thank you Sarah Mae (and David) for speaking out for those who have experienced what you have. One day might you consider writing a book and sharing your story more widely? Especially in today's day and age, your words are so needed to heal and to educate/enlighten those who blithely pass abortion off as woman's rights!
God bless you Sarah Mae, and walk in pride and joy for you (and David) are serving God in such a special way, and with great courage.
I am filled with emotion by reading your story. I have a similar pain. Mine is of adoption and that was a time of being shuned by the one man I loved the most..my dad. I know that I had a boy I only wish that I could have closure by seeing his little face. Adoptions were 'closed adoptions' in those days so the birth mother never got to see the child. My hearts desire is to meet him one day to see if the most important decision I made in my life was the right one. I know that God predistined him to fill the hearts of a barren couple, his name is Damon.