Part 2 – My Abortion Story – Darkness Into The Light
April 23rd, 2009
It was my senior year of college. Tears were pouring down my face as I fell to my knees sobbing, crying out to the Lord, “what is wrong with me?! I am at the bottom and can’t go any lower. Please help me.” Darkness crept all over my spirit and I was worn down. My eyes were going dim and my bones could barely hold up my flesh. I was in a pit of despair.
“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry…”
I wanted to be a counselor and I needed some experience for my resume. I knew of a little place about two blocks from my apartment that might give me an internship. As I read over their application, one of the questions struck me, “What do you know about abortion?” I thought to myself, “nothing…hmmm…I better get a book on it.” Yes, I was that detached. I found a book called Forbidden Grief, The Unspoken Pain Of Abortion and set out to read it so I would be able to write an answer to the application question. I went to a little coffee shop, sat in a cushy chair with my notebook and pen all ready to take notes. That day, however, ink didn’t fill the paper, tears did. I came face to face with my hidden pain.
“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire…”
I went back to the little place two blocks from my apartment. It just so happened to be a crisis pregnancy clinic. It also just so happened to be a place that had a wonderful, kind, gentle and loving woman who counseled post-abortive women. I told her, “I think the Lord wants me to deal with my abortion.” She took me under her wing as we went through the bible study, Forgiven and Set Free. She gave me a safe place to unabashedly experience all of my emotions – denial, anger, depression…(yes, I was a perfect example of the stages of grief). I was able to admit my sin, mourn my loss, and accept forgiveness and grace. I finally felt like my feet were beginning to be planted on something…someone real.
“He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand…”
I can hug women. Ha! I know that sounds funny, but that is one of the ways I was healed. Part of my pain included a mistrust of women and if one tried to hug me, even a friend, I got stiff. I was so walled up. Now, if you ever meet me, please give me a great big hug and I will melt. I am also able to watch pro-life commercials and not leave the room. I can smile when I see little children instead of tear up. I can fully embrace my own children, knowing that it’s okay to enjoy them, God isn’t going to punish me for my sin of abortion – Jesus Christ already took that punishment for me on the cross. I am free. You know what else? I can tell my story. I am covered in grace and protection…I am loved and forgiven. The shame I once carried lies at the foot of the cross; Satan has no power over me. God is the only one who has the authority to tell me who I am…and I am His.
“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” Psalm 40: 1-3
As a sort of addendum, I want to share a cool thing that God did for me. One of the things I really wanted to know was the sex of my baby so I could name them. The Lord gave me a dream. In my dream a blond haired, bright blue eyed boy about seven or eight years old was hugging me and telling me it was okay. I kept telling him I was sorry, but he just kept saying it was okay and he’d see me again one day. His name was David.
Why I Worship
I worship God because He has freed me from the tight, painful, scarring bounds of sin.
Oh how wicked is my heart!
It sends sin cursing through my veins and finally pouring out of my flesh;
The intent of the thoughts of my heart are evil continually.
Yet, God lifted me out of the pit, out of the mud and mire, fulfilling His desire
to set me free
Free
I should be crushed, but instead, He was.
He got my sin and I got eternal life.
Everyday I battle with sin, the war within;
yet everyday His mercies are new and I can approach the throne of grace
without disgrace
but with confidence…how can it be?
Oh but for the grace of God!
In my failures, my legalism, my complacency,
my weakness, my pride, my foolishness and my fears;
I am an open book before the Lord that’s pages are covered in blood
covering the words and images of my old self.
The paint brush of my soul now dips its bristles in the blood and a new book is written,
one that He breathes life into,
guides through,
and speaks true.
My soul overflows with gratefulness, humility and joy.
I am awed at His love for me.
What can I offer? Nothing of myself is worthy, so I offer my open hands, my open heart,
and my open mouth that must speak of His glory, that must tell of His story!
My soul bows in worship,
true, unrestrained, vulnerable adoration for my King.
I cannot contain my soul,
for it,
is
glad.
If you are in bondage because of a past abortion, you don’t have to be. You don’t have to live with the shame. You are not alone friend, and you don’t have to walk in fear. If you need a safe place to begin, I’m here. But I can only offer so much. There is only one who can offer what your soul needs. Run to Him.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
Thank you for sharing this amazing testimony. :-)
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Thank you.
Wow!!! Thank you for sharing!!! I’m sure that was hard and thank you so much for taking the time to write this!
no wrods…just tears…of joy for you and the Saviour who loves us both. Blessings, grace and peace to you.
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May God bless you for the courage it took to share your testimony. I can’t wait to see you again next month!
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Thank you for sharing…that is an amazing testimony. I love your comment that “satan has no power over me.” How much we need to hear and say it loudly!!! I love that God comes to us with what we need the most…yours in a dream…our God is so BIG and amazing!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!!!
What a powerful account of your life. I too was pregnant at age 16. My parents wanted me to give the baby up for adoption. My sister wanted me to have an abortion. My parents wanted to raise my baby as my brother or sister. I had to make my own choice and be able to live with it. As I sit reading your story and typing mine, my only child, Christina is laying on the couch near me watching a program. She is home for winter break-she is a sophomore away at college and as I look over at her and she smiles at me, I know I made the right decision for me at that time. I have never looked back. I am so happy that you were able to forgive yourself for the decision you made at the time and that decision was right for you at that time. I live my life always remembering that everything happens for a reason and things work out the way they are supposed to and at the time we may not have an understanding of the whys or how comes but someday the reasons become apparent. God Bless You!
Read your story from incourage. What a beautiful story of the redemption of Christ. Praise God that our Savior not only paid our price, but won our battles for us at the Cross. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
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Thanks for sharing.
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How brave you are! I had a similar experience at 19. Though I walked myself into the clinic and went through with it, I remember feeling like everyone else’s puppet. I didn’t want to do it; I wanted my boyfriend to marry me.
Fast-forward a couple of years and I was ministering to women through post abortion Bible Study and even reaching out to pregnant teens who had had abortions in the past. God used my experience for good, ultimately.
Now married for almost 12 years with three little ones (to a Christian man, praise God!) I can see how my experience has shaped my life. Only God heals, and only He can truly redeem us.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. We all have scars, and this is one of the saddest ones to have. But, like you, we can rise above and even benefit others in the process.
God bless you!
Amy
And now, I’m crying.
I look forward to meeting your first born son in heaven one day!
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This story made me cry, but was such a wonderful story of forgiveness and restoration! Abortion is one of the things that breaks my heart to hear about, and I’m so thankful for women like you that are willing to open up and discuss what you did and what you learned, and how God heals and forgives. So Amazing, and this story is undoubtedly changing many lives.
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Thank you for sharing your story. You are awesome!
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Wow, I am really glad that I met you at the #ubp10 twitter party! I don’t know if you saw but I sent you a link to my blog post I just posted today. I included a bit of my story including my own abortion story. If you get a chance stop by http://cindyhaux.blogspot.com/2010/04/please-dont-forget-me-daddy.html I would love to get to know you more. I look forward to chatting more. Bless you for your heart for sharing. I understand how hard it can be yet so rewarding to know God’s grace as well and for that I am able to share my story as well.
Bless you!!
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I was just looking around your blog and found your story. Wow, what an amazing story of God’s grace! Thank you for sharing it.
A BIG BIG THANK YOU for sharing your pain and your healing!
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Oh Sarah, this is the first time I’ve read your testimony. Bless your heart! Thank you for your courage in sharing it because I know many women are blessed by your transparency and grace. What a wonderful, amazing, merciful, and healing God we serve.
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Sarah thanks for sharing your wonderful story. I feel your pain losing a child. I miscarriaged my child two years ago. In my dream, he was grown up with brown curly hair, beautiful blue eyes and smiling radiantly at me(all the saints behind him were jumping for joy). I knew He was in a wonderful place and gave me peace. I found out his name was Joshua. We both have something to look forward to seeing in Heaven don’t we Sarah.
I am so sorry.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, but somehow I’d never come across this post.
I’m not having the happiest day anyway, so your words sent me right into waterworks.
Everyday I’m amazed at the incredible people God has helped me to find through the world of blogging. Although I’ve never experienced anything like what you went through, your story reminds me that no matter what we’ve faced, we can be healed through Him. Thank you. I need that today.
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Such a tear-jerker. But what a wonderful God of grace we have. No, I didn’t have the need to be forgiven the sin of abortion, but what about my other sins…my sin of rejecting Christ for 7 years, when I ‘knew’ the truth and yet kept choosing my worldly life instead of giving my heart to Him.
Yes, we have an unspeakably gracious God. Behold what manner of love…..
Lots of love, Anne (in Scotland) x
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Thank you for sharing this story. We use Forgiven and Set Free here at our center and it is a great study. When you are free you want others to know they don’t have to be in bondage anymore either. Thanks again.
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Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I love how God led you to the CPC!! He’s awesome and great! I also have an abortion story and an amazing testimony, did the Forgiven and Set Free study with several amazing sisters in Christ, and my heart is healed. God also gave me a dream of my unborn baby – Jesus held her wrapped snugly in a blanket as he walked toward me. When he got close, with a tender gaze, he handed me my daughter, saying He’d been caring for her. I named her Abigail Beatrice, made her a lovely baby quilt, and I can hardly wait to meet her in Heaven!!
What a wonderful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’d never read your blog until today, it’s lovely to see you sharing your story on your blog. What a testimony of healing! I’ve never had an abortion, my story is different, but the pain is the same. I love to see how similar tragedy hurts people and how amazing God’s love is in each unique situation. Thanks again for writing and sharing. =)
I will echo the words of all the comments before mine, but THANK YOU for sharing your story. Your story shows what women/girls faced with an unplanned pregnancy really go through. I faced one at the age of 24 and talks of adoption began. Abortion was not something that I thought of as an option (I was old enough to care for a child). Adoption wasn’t an option either. I went through the pregnancy without the father and felt a lot of shame. This is when I found Jesus…He had always been there, but I had been living a life where I couldn’t see Him. I always tell people that it is in the fires of life is when God creates the diamonds. Out of the loneliest, scariest and darkest time of my life came my greatest source of joy & beauty…my daughter. She gave my life a purpose & I am so thankful.
With this being said, I have a new respect for survivors of abortion. I have friends from 17-67, who have had abortions at some point as young women and I know from their stories the hurt that they carry, even when it was a choice they had no control over. This is something that I wish that they all could read…to help give them comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
There is still so much pain…Your dream of David left me in tears. I have dreams like that. I believe that part of my healing involved confessing my sin to my husband and oldest child. I recently told my oldest (13) about my abortion and the first thing out of his mouth was – then I’m not your firstborn?!?!
We talked about it and were able to move on – thankfully – but I was not prepared for that question.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am grateful to have read it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I almost aborted my 5th child when my husband and I nearly divorced in 1997. I’ve written a blog post about this: http://treasuresfromashoebox.blogspot.com/2010/05/blessed-are-peacemakers.html
I am so glad the Lord gave you the dream about David. This is a beautiful post.
Thank you for writing this…it reflects my own experience & feelings. I too have gone thru the Forgiven & set free study at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center. What a God-send! Who the Son has set free, is free indeed!!
By the way, I also asked what my child’s sex was. The Lord confirmed it thru my mother in law by her finding a beautiful plate with a little girls face on it. I named my child Sarah.
I have never read an article that made me remember what it felt like for me when I was 17 years old. You are an angel for writing this and freeing people from their guilt. I always will wonder what couldve been but I will sing a new song. You are a talented writer and to have such strength to write this , I am in awe. I stumbled upon this accidently but maybe not. I am grateful to read this. Bless you
I was 17 when I had my daughter. The year was 1969. I had hidden the pregnancy for 6 months, because I knew that my family would make me have an abortion if I didn’t keep my secret long enough. Abortions were illegal, but lots of doctors were doing them anyway. It was a very scary time. I wonder now, if abortion had been legal, would I have had the courage to go through with the pregnancy? There’s so much pressure put on young women to have abortions these days, like it was for you. And so little support if they chose to have the baby.
It’s been almost 41 years since my daughter was born. She is a mother, herself now, with two children of her own. I thank God for her.
God is so amazingly good. How merciful of him to let you see your son, David (a very good name, by the way). Thank God you have the words and courage to write this post and help other hurting women discover God’s love and forgiveness for them.
God bless you. God bless them.
Me too! My baby (born to soon at about 20 wks. gestation) stroked my cheek and said “It’s O.k. Mama. I’m O.k.” over and over and over again until I began to hear him. His name is Jonathan.