My Abortion Story
In the news today: U.S. recession linked to more abortions,…
I was 16 years old. I was given a new name and then was drugged…I didn’t like the IV. My dad held my hand but I started to get really fidgety. They upped my drug dosage. I was wheeled away. I was so cold, but they gave me a blanket. I counted backwards from 100…99…98…
The end.
The end of my first baby’s life.
It was always weird for me when I was pregnant with my first born, because people would always ask, “is this your first?” I hated that question. I didn’t know how to answer.
“Um, no, I killed my first baby, this will be my second.” That wouldn’t work. “My first is in heaven.” That won’t work either, people will think I miscarried. I landed on, “This is my husband and I’s first.”
Its been 13 years since I had my abortion. Even though I have been forgiven and set free from the bondage I was once in, the memories of that time in my life and my fateful decision still hurt so deeply upon remembrance.
I’ll never forget when I called to tell my dad I was pregnant. He was so kind and loving towards me. I’ll also never forget the words out of my grandmother’s mouth when I told her the same thing, “I’ll take care of it.” What? “No, I’m keeping the baby.”
Three months later she had “it” taken care of.
The three months I was pregnant when I was 16 were probably the three hardest months of my life. I was very sick, I felt very alone, and I was being torn in directions I wasn’t prepared for. Everyone had a solution to my “problem,” but no one wanted to hear mine. I wanted to keep the baby…at first. I figured I could get married and start a family. After talking with others and them telling me how I would miss such important things if I had a baby, like prom, I thought it would be better if I gave the baby to someone who couldn’t have children. Nope, people didn’t like that idea either. During this time, my mom totally checked out of the situation. She almost became numb to the whole thing. She had her own demons to deal with and couldn’t handle mine. My dad, a wonderful father, had decided that abortion probably was the better choice. I don’t think he really believed that, but he had pressures of his own. One person in my life even wanted the baby for themselves, but I couldn’t bear that person raising my child. Did I mention that my grandmother, who I thought was my “best friend,” stopped talking to me during this time? She wouldn’t even look at me. The final straw was when my other grandmother came to visit me. She convinced me that having an abortion really would be the best decision. She spoke to me so kindly and she showed me love. I was desperate for any signs that I was lovable at that point, so I agreed right then and there to have an abortion.
I went to see the doctor who would perform the abortion. He had the nerve to tell me,”only a fool makes the same mistake twice.” He seemed so wise…I wonder how many mistakes he’s performed over his lifetime.
The night before the “procedure” I asked the baby to forgive me. I held my tummy and cried.
The day arrived and my dad accompanied me to the hospital. Yes, the hospital, not the local abortion clinic. The doctor thought I would do better being at a hospital where I could be totally put out…drugged to unawareness. He even had my name changed so there would be no record that I had an abortion…I did have a fairly prominent family. That afternoon I didn’t have an abortion, Sandy Charles did. Sandy Charles gave up hope that day…Sandy Charles let them stick a needle in her arm, drugs in her veins, and a murderer into her private domain. Sandy Charles offered her baby up for slaughter.
I slept for two days. When I woke up I was at my grandmothers, the one who wouldn’t speak to me before but was now serving me toast with a smile. I had moved in with her…it was better that way. I ate the toast. Nothing was ever spoken about my abortion. It was a new day. It was like it never happened.
To be continued… (read part 2 of my story here)
Under the fierce fluorescent
she offered her hand for me to hold
she offered stability and calm
and i was crushing her palm
through the pinch-pull wincing
my smile unconvincing
on that sterile battlefield that sees
only casualties
never heroes
my heart hit absolute zero
-Ani Defranco
Wow. That must have been incredibly difficult to write. When you are 16, you rely on the adults in your life to help you make the right decision. I'm sorry no one listened to you. God bless!
Wow! Very brave of you to share it. I hope that your story will impact even one person who is debating whether or not to have an abortion. I wish your family had at least allowed you to give your baby up for adoption. It must have been a very hard time for you – such a young girl. Praise God, He forgives and restores!
Thank you for sharing that. I agree with Conny – thank you for letting the Lord teach others. God bless you. I know that all sounds trite – I've never met you. I came here through WFMW. But I appreciate the honesty you put into that post…and the remorse. Does that make sense? I hope one 16 year old girl reads this and understands what happens to HER after the baby is gone. It's never as easy as others say it will be.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure it is difficult for you to talk about that time in your life. I just pray that it will help other girls/women in that situation. I will pray for you and also for Sandy Charles.
hugs. thanks for sharing
Sarah Mae,I can't even think of something to say right now. I am thanking God for you. For your courage to share your store. You WILL absolutely affect people's lives with your honesty and your love.Kimba
Sarah Mae,May God bless you for sharing your story though so very painful. Your past will definitely touch and help someone facing the thoughts of abortion.You are a blessing Sarah! This had to be so hard for you to do :( HUGS
Gosh I sure love you Sarah Mae! You just melt my heart. I have lots of tears. Wow.I can relate to your post 100%. I had a child at age 16. I contemplated adoption, but due to legalities, I decided to "keep" her. Two years later I was down the wrong path, pregnant, and decided to abort. That was even tougher than deciding to keep my daughter.7 years later, I still wonder what my son looks like and pray that God will watch over him. Now that I'm married and we have expanded our family to 3 children, I wonder when the time will be right to share the news. I think it will take awhile to get to that point. Thank you, as always, for such honesty. Your series is great. I look forward to putting it to work.Lots of love!Alie
Sarah Mae – The way the Lord will use these words, I can't even begin to imagine. Who knows how many lives will be touched and saved through your vulnerability and wisdom.i can't even begin to put my feelings into words , but am privileged to hear your story.
What painful story. What a cry to the church to be less judgmental and more compassionate to young girls facing such a decision. Thanks for the post. (Note: I deleted my previous comment b/c of a grammatical error).
You are a beautiful person inside and out. You are loved by many and you inspire so many to know of God's unconditional love. If it wasn't for the silence of generations past there could have been a lot of mistakes that could have been prevented. Mine included. Lindsey is too my only daughter however not my first baby. God loves you and Our family loves you … Your courage is amazing. You bring the world together on His level…. God's amazing love through your words. Bless you. Jaime
Incredibly moving story and one I share from a man's point of view. I hope sharing does indeed dispel the demons.
Thank you for sharing – that is intense – Praising God for GRACE.
Oh….I have so few words. I cried as I read that you held your stomach and asked your baby to forgive you. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart so honestly. I know that this will have a beautiful impact on many.
I wish you much healing and blessings for giving us this piece of yourself.
Your story put me in tears Sarah Mae – for you. Oh my sweet friend, you are bold and so humble to share such a story. May God bless you 100 times over. I pray you continue to heal and you remember God's grace. (((hugs)))
wow. Sarah Mae. thank you so much for your courage and your transparency in sharing this with us. you will be especially in my prayers as you prepare the next portion of it for us.
Thankyou for your courage….. love to you
Good and sober work, Sarah. I love you. I'm praying that as you witness to God's faithfulness and grace, you and your family are protected under the shadow of His wing! Keep on.
Stopping in from Problogger forums (aka DeeCan there…)It must have been so difficult for you to share this story. Unfortunately, I have been there too. I thank God daily that, despite my past sin of murdering my baby, that he has blessed me with four beautiful, healthy, happy children. I feel so unworthy of such. I felt exactly what you felt. It is nice to know that I wasn't alone.I'm so thankful for redemption. :)
Dearest Sarah Mae, I praise the Lord that He gave you the grace and courage to share your story. A story that unfortunately is not uncommon. Except for the Lord! May His name be praised. He gives beauty instead of ashes, oil of gladness instead of mourning; garment of praise instead of a faint spirit, that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. (Isaiah 61:3)If not for the Lord……where would we be. Psalm 103:1-5 May the Lord bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.Love,Robin
thank you.we have walked in the same shoes with different stories
so many of us bought the lie, that abortion was a solution. I was not fooled that is was a good choice. I told the nurse, you cannot convince me that I am not murdering a life. yet, I did it anyway…..Thank you for sharing, It is a silent hurt that many carry.
I can only say I love your brutal honesty..and you are a testimony that abortion is a life long sadness. I admire you for telling your story..thank youkellyHttp://www.amazingsalvation.com
Thank you for sharing your story… I pray that God will use it to open people’s eyes and save lives of many, many precious children…
I have a friend who has recently received healing from the Lord from an abortion she had 14 years ago, what He is doing in and through her life now is just amazing…
Blessings!
Terrific heart felt post, I am really sorry it has taken so long to resolve your feelings, hopefully this post will go some way to helping you.
We made this same decision 30 odd years ago as very newly weds. Must say I (male) have NOT regretted it and now have a 23, 19 & 17yo (we have not discussed it for years) They were very much planned, desired and welcomed as we were ready!
The real sadness in my mind is the incredibly high teenage pregnancy rates across the world (esp in the US) and the ignorance that creates this very difficult choice. (and ongoing issues if unresolved)
(via the Problogger forum)
Strong and courageous. Those are the words that come to mind. You have already been a blessing to so many by sharing this story – just look at the comments! As mommy/mummy bloggers we all say we want to be "real". Thanks for leading by example.
Oh, Sarah Mae, I am in tears reading this! I hope your story changes hearts and saves lives!
Thanks for sharing- that most likely wasn’t easy.
Sorry I couldn't stop by sooner Sara Mae. Thank you SO much for sharing your story. You are so brave to share your experience. I'm sure it must be very difficult to talk about, but it will so helpful and a blessing to many women I am sure.You are so wonderful – transparent, honest, and bold! That is why I love you and your blog my dear. You are an inspiration!I am sorry that you had to go through such a painful time and the painful memories that go with it. Praise the Lord for His forgiveness and healing!Bless you Sarah Mae!
I am praying that you feel washed by God's loving forgiveness. We have ALL sinned and fallen short, your abortion is no worse or better than my computer idolatry. We are human and we make mistakes and God loves us and forgives us and remembers them no more. God bless you for sharing, and heal your hurts and make you feel his love today.
Oh Sarah Mae, what a heart wrenching story. I'm anxious to hear the rest – the part where you find healing and forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Sarah. We are sisters, you & I, and I hurt with you as I read this. I was only 17, and much like you felt so alone. My story is on my blog, too, and I pray to God that it helps others see the devastation that "taking care of it" can cause!
**tears** I can't say it any better than what's already been said. Wish I could hug you right now. I've got a close friend who had an abortion, and I'll never forget her story…
I cannot imagine how painful this must have been to go through, then to relive it again when telling us the story! Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry you went through this. I pray that God uses this situation to touch others and obviously for His glory. I can't wait to read the rest.
"Blest be the tie that binds our hearts…"smooches,Larie
Sarah, you are so brave and your heart is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing what had to be the hardest story to ever share. I KNOW that it will touch thousands of lives and I pray God gives it wings to reach those ones that need to hear it the most.God Bless You and continually give you his peace that passes all understanding!Love,Joye
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Sarah Mae. So hard to write about, but so necessary for someone else who might be dealing with this very issue right now. I envy your courage. You are a blessing.
Sarah MaeI am just now reading this. What a remarkable things God has done in your life to allow you to share this story with others. I am so sorry that you went through this. I am so proud of you for turning this tragedy around for God's glory. HugsSarah
Thank you for this story. I can relate. I am 23 years old, and when I was 17 I found I was pregnant. I contemplated an abortion, and I too was "encouraged" by my family also. I know exactly what you are talking about. The emotions, the darkness, unknown- the rock bottom. When I went in I was too far along, and I thank God everyday. I have a 5 year old and he is the reason I came to Christ. There are days I think "what if I did do it?" There were days in my son's infancy when I'd ball at the thought. Thank you for this open, fresh and honest account.
I am so glad 50′s housewife gave me a link to you, then I had to read this post! While I have not had an abortion, your experience rings so true to what my friends have told me. The emotionally numb, nervous, hoping to lean on wiser older family members.
Please know that for every person that posts many read and are moved by this story!
Wow Sarah! I didn't know this part of your journey. It just comes to show you what God can do in a life…. to change, and heal a hurting-aching heart! Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for living a life that is open and honest, willing to let God use you.You are a blessing!Traci
Though God would have never chosen this for you, I think He knew He would use you…
Meaning of the name Sandy- Defender of Mankind
Meaning of the name Charles- Free Man
No accident.
.-= Tammy´s last blog post … Old Friend, New Year =-.
Tammy, that is amazing! I never knew that – thank you for such a blessing!
I am a girl who had an abortion 2 months ago and am now paying dearly for my sins.
My parents were convinced that a baby out of wedlock would ruin our family’s reputation (my father is a pastor and my grandfather is a bishop) and forced me to choose between them and my baby.
Out of fear, confusion and a broken heart, I too reluctantly offered my precious baby to slaughter. Not an hour goes by that I don’t bitterly weep inside out of regret and heartache. No words can describe the agony of a mother’s heart when she kills her own baby.
I have had trouble these past months understanding how God can possibly forgive me for my cowardice. Thank you for providing a living testimony to hope.
Sin has terrible consequences and leaves deep scars. Your story shows me that God is sovereign even after I’ve missed the mark so badly. I have faith now that God’s love runs deeper than any human failure.
I praise God now whenever Satan accuses me. You have helped by being a messenger of God’s truth and ultimate grace/mercy.
Thank you.
Oh Susan, if you ever want to talk, I'm hear friend.
Oh, my heart aches at your suffering and the loss of your little one. Words are not enough…
.-= Myrtle´s last blog post … I Gave up Television for Contentment =-.
I would like to post this link and the link to part 2 on my blog posts about abortion.
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Long Family Favorite Videos =-.
I know this is an old post, but I just now came across it. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. You have undoubtedly helped many others. God bless you.
Dear Sarah: Thank you for your courage and creating this forum and giving us women an opportunity to come into fellowship and share our burdens of suffering. I too bought into the lie that abortion is a "therapeutic choice".
Twice I bought into this lie. Each time I was single, alone, and
in a position where all the human relationships in my life were failing me. I was in a sea of darkness with no shores in sight.
I was even wanting children but the fear of being a single parent
prevailed. I was a coward, and I soon learned to despise myself-which only grew over the years. I felt disfigured and to me I had crossed a line and there was no going back to who I used to be.(pre abortion self) When I could no longer bear the grief, pain and anxiety I turned my heart to Christ. I walked through an unseen door of hope and hung on to the fact that he loved me and could wash away my sins. I got involved in a prayer group and was praying for a husband for 8 months before I met the man I married. It took me to 30 yrs old to ever know what it was like to have someone love me. I believe my pareents love me in their own way but could not express it in words. I am now 45 and despite 14 years of marriage to a man also being redeemed we have not been able to have children. I even tried being a foster parent and my husband had a misdemeanor in his past and we were classifed as "uncertifiable" Only the Lord knows how by his design the beauty of the desire he has put on my heart that it is possible to be a new creation in Him, and that children are a gift of the Lord. I do believe that because of Him I do feel an overwhelming desire to be a mum, and try to chose life consiously in all I do,hoping there is beauty for ashes. What do us women do who also hear the call to love and nurture, and mother,do,when it appears that we are the ones that now have exhausted all our known possibliites? The only thing I now do is to try to stay as close to God as I can,and hope for a miracle. Its funny,this is my first step out into the world with my story. I did not want to leave the shelter of His wings but stepped forward in the written word. Thank you for this healing and redeeming place. May the Lord
love and shine here and we all know the joy of redemption and being able to shine bright for Him through our scars.
I know this is an older post but because the subject is important
I think it was important to comment on it. I am so sorry that you
felt alone at a time when you really needed support. I think your story may help someone either decide not to get an abortion
or atleast come to terms if they ,like me ,have made that same decision in the past thank you for your courage and May God keep you
i have a 16 year old daughter, i just want to hug and hold you, that 16 year old you and reassure you that you are lovable! bless you and thank you for sharing your story.
hugs andrea in australia x