My Abortion Story
In the news today: U.S. recession linked to more abortions,…
I was 16 years old. I was given a new name and then was drugged…I didn’t like the IV. My dad held my hand but I started to get really fidgety. They upped my drug dosage. I was wheeled away. I was so cold, but they gave me a blanket. I counted backwards from 100…99…98…
The end.
The end of my first baby’s life.
It was always weird for me when I was pregnant with my first born, because people would always ask, “is this your first?” I hated that question. I didn’t know how to answer.
“Um, no, I killed my first baby, this will be my second.” That wouldn’t work. “My first is in heaven.” That won’t work either, people will think I miscarried. I landed on, “This is my husband and I’s first.”
Its been 13 years since I had my abortion. Even though I have been forgiven and set free from the bondage I was once in, the memories of that time in my life and my fateful decision still hurt so deeply upon remembrance.
I’ll never forget when I called to tell my dad I was pregnant. He was so kind and loving towards me. I’ll also never forget the words out of my grandmother’s mouth when I told her the same thing, “I’ll take care of it.” What? “No, I’m keeping the baby.”
Three months later she had “it” taken care of.
The three months I was pregnant when I was 16 were probably the three hardest months of my life. I was very sick, I felt very alone, and I was being torn in directions I wasn’t prepared for. Everyone had a solution to my “problem,” but no one wanted to hear mine. I wanted to keep the baby…at first. I figured I could get married and start a family. After talking with others and them telling me how I would miss such important things if I had a baby, like prom, I thought it would be better if I gave the baby to someone who couldn’t have children. Nope, people didn’t like that idea either. During this time, my mom totally checked out of the situation. She almost became numb to the whole thing. She had her own demons to deal with and couldn’t handle mine. My dad, a wonderful father, had decided that abortion probably was the better choice. I don’t think he really believed that, but he had pressures of his own. One person in my life even wanted the baby for themselves, but I couldn’t bear that person raising my child. Did I mention that my grandmother, who I thought was my “best friend,” stopped talking to me during this time? She wouldn’t even look at me. The final straw was when my other grandmother came to visit me. She convinced me that having an abortion really would be the best decision. She spoke to me so kindly and she showed me love. I was desperate for any signs that I was lovable at that point, so I agreed right then and there to have an abortion.
I went to see the doctor who would perform the abortion. He had the nerve to tell me,”only a fool makes the same mistake twice.” He seemed so wise…I wonder how many mistakes he’s performed over his lifetime.
The night before the “procedure” I asked the baby to forgive me. I held my tummy and cried.
The day arrived and my dad accompanied me to the hospital. Yes, the hospital, not the local abortion clinic. The doctor thought I would do better being at a hospital where I could be totally put out…drugged to unawareness. He even had my name changed so there would be no record that I had an abortion…I did have a fairly prominent family. That afternoon I didn’t have an abortion, Sandy Charles did. Sandy Charles gave up hope that day…Sandy Charles let them stick a needle in her arm, drugs in her veins, and a murderer into her private domain. Sandy Charles offered her baby up for slaughter.
I slept for two days. When I woke up I was at my grandmothers, the one who wouldn’t speak to me before but was now serving me toast with a smile. I had moved in with her…it was better that way. I ate the toast. Nothing was ever spoken about my abortion. It was a new day. It was like it never happened.
To be continued… (read part 2 of my story here)
Under the fierce fluorescent
she offered her hand for me to hold
she offered stability and calm
and i was crushing her palm
through the pinch-pull wincing
my smile unconvincing
on that sterile battlefield that sees
only casualties
never heroes
my heart hit absolute zero
-Ani Defranco
This must be so painful for you to write about! You are very brave to share your story with us!
Thank you, Sarah Mae, for allowing the Lord to use your sad story to help others understand the importance of what you are teaching thru this. God bless you for being so open & honest.
Good for you for sharing something so difficult, but so profound…
Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy.
You have helped someone by writing this. You may never know who or how. It had to be hard, you are very brave and honest. God bless you.Linda C
Bless you, bless you, bless you Sarah Mae! Thank you for being open and honest about such a painful subject, I pray God uses your story to help many others. I pray to that it leads all of us to look into those eyes that pass us by and see each person with the love of Jesus. Lord, give all of us the strength to reach out to those you put into our lives, and through us, save lives.Lovies,DJ
Wow. Sarah… wow. this is very impactful. For several reasons. One being that my mother went through something very similar. And I just found out about it this year, and I'm 31. I'm glad God has blessed you with the courage, and humility, and whatever else it takes to be able to share this story.
I am SO sorry that this happened to you in this way! You are so brave for sharing this, and I can only imagine how God will use this to prevent others from going down that same road.Many many blessings to you! :)
You are fiercely courageous, brave, and authentic to the core. What an inspiration to all of us. You are one of the most beautiful people I know, and your transparency is your sweetest feature. I love you.
Bless you, dear Sarah Mae, for being so vulnerable. You are a light in sharing His truth, and it is no surprise that He has used your pain to accomplish this mighty work in and through you. Yours is a testimony of forgiveness, redemption and grace and I anticipate hearing more. God bless you…abundantly.~Sara
I've often wondered what the thoughts were from someone who has gone down that road. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your experience my friend. I KNOW that the Lord will use this for great things! Love you my sweet friend.Kim
God bless you.
Sarah Mae, your courage is inspiring. MUCH love to you, my sweet friend.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Not only for telling the truth of the pain you've endured, but the Truth that has removed you from your bondage.I pray, as I'm sure you do, that your story would save at least one baby. May God continue to keep you.
Thank you for sharing this difficult chapter in your life….God's glory is piercing through your pain.I believe that you have gone through your pain, to spare others….and that is the ultimate gift.Bless you and may God continue to wrap His arms around you.Peace~*~Michelle~*
Wow. Surely this will help someone…
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. That must have been such a difficult time in your life, I cannot even imagine.
Wow….Sarah Mae, you are such a brave person to share that with everyone. THANK YOU wholeheartedly for doing so. I'm so sorry that you had to endure that…my heart is just aching for you. I'm sure this will have a deep and lasting impact on many of your readers, especially considering your openness and honesty. Thanks for having the strength to use your experience to change the lives of others.Blessings to you.-Kristin
Praise God for your story. God will use your story for His glory! There is a girl or many girls out there today that need to hear this. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us.
I agree with above posters, you are a brave person for sharing such a personal story.
Thank you all so much for your kind comments. There is a tention in the stomach when you put something out there like this…how will people respond? I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, even if I don't know you in person!
Thank you for being so transparent and open. I can't wait to read the rest of the story,kristen
Thank you for your words. I have several people in my life who have been impacted by abortion, which in turn, impacts my life. You are brave and strong Sarah Mae.
There aren't words to explain how difficult this must have been. I have lost 5 babies myself thru miscarriage & know how hard it is to feel this loss. I am sorry that so many people mislead you & betrayed this little baby. I am also sorry that I couldn't have been there to help you know the truth but, it makes me want to reach out to young girls in this situation now.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. There may be someone out there today looking for answers and God put you in place today to help them find that answer…If that person is you, think about what Sarah had to say today. If you can't care for a child right now, there are so many on waiting lists right now that are desperate for one .. yours. My prayers follow this post today in hopes that it makes a difference in someone's life, and the life of a child!
Sarah,I know it had to be hard for you to stick out your neck and put this out there. Good for you! NOTHING is lost on God. He WILL use your story for good, because that's who He is. And I know you know that (even though I don't know you personally). Thanks for your transparency. You touched me today.
It's hard to know what to say to things like this. "Praise the LORD He turned you around" or "I'm so sorry you were in that situation with no one to show you the truth"? I know we can be ever grateful for the forgiveness and second chance the LORD gives and always will. May you continue to be the woman you are now, seeking after God and showing others how he CAN and WILL turn your life around if you let him. HUGS! :)
Sarah Mae, Thank you for your sharing! I was so deeply touched and I am sure there is someone who will read this that is going through the same thing that will be encouraged by it!Thank you for opening your heart and being transparent with everyone.HUGS! AmandaThe Daily Planet
May God bless your sweet sweet heart Sarah Mae.As I read your story, the chills ran up and down my body.I'm SO very sorry, for what you endured…..But God's redemption power….was right there…with you in that room on that day.May your journey, encourage others.You are in my thoughts and prayers.Kim~
Oh, that made me cry…I wish I could have been there to give you a hug. I wish more young girls could hear your story, so they would know what abortion is, not what doctors or well-meaning relations tell them. Thank you for posting this, I'm sure it wasn't easy. Courtney
Thank you. For being so open and honest and true. For sharing such a painful and intense experience. For having the courage to write this and the faith that someone will be helped by it. We have no idea whose life we touch just by simple things. How much more so by the not-so-simple things?Bless you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's something I think everyone should read — I'm so glad you posted it where you did so I came across it. And the reason I think it's so important is because we need to wrap our arms and God's love around every woman in that situation, and every woman who has been through it.
Thanks for sharing your story. It really grabbed me. I hope your story helps readers in some way and also helps you continue to heal.
Your openess and honesty about something so painful is going to touch so many lives today. You have no idea what that impact will be, but God does. Thank you for being so transparent and willing to be honest. Blessings…
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through that. May God bless you for putting yourself out there for a testimony that will bring Him glory.
Many hearts will be touched by your courage to "talk"! Yourblog is one of my absolute favorites! Transparency is what God desires, and, girl, you've GOT it! I love that about you!!! I understand transparency more that charades, know what I mean?I had a similar grandmother. I've forgiven her, even if I don't understand that way of thinking.AT ALL. :(You are making an AMAZING difference in the Kingdom of God!Love you sister,Melissa
I meant……"more THAN charades.":D, Melis
I’ve had to sit here waiting to comment on this for fear that the tears pooled up in my eyes would spill on to my cheeks like a bumbling dummy {thing again, my co-workers have seen tears a lot lately, maybe they’ll think I watched another Hallmark commercial on Youtube? ANWAY … } I can’t imagine the awfulness of what you’ve faced. I can’t imagine what it felt like to bravely hit post and share those words with all of us. I CAN see how God has and is using your life to be an amazing Kingdom builder. You are such an inspiration to so many, and I know that your words today will impact hearts. I wish I could hug you friend! Thank you for your courage and realness and your sweet Godly heart. I am lucky to “know” you … :)
You've been tagged… as one of my favorite blogs…so head over to http://www.alonethoughts.blogspot.com to find out why…
You truly are a blessing, and the Lord is using you in ways that you will only know in eternity. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. It's one thing to read about a fact, but a heart's story is entirely different.Blessings to you and your family.
Sarah Mae…..how brave of you to share your story. So many people make choices that affect the rest of their lives….not knowing that everything they ever do will have some connection to it.I am so thankful that you have peace and forgiveness. God is good! Even when we fall short!I wish everyone could read your story!
I was a 24 year old single mom…someday I may post my story…maybe not. but thank you for sharing yours!
wow. thanks for sharing. you are such a blessing to so many.
i'm a first time visitor and just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are. I'm glad that perhaps the theraputic posting is working for you ~ wednesday or anyday.
Thank you Sarah, from the bottom of my heart.Kristy
Thank you for sharing such an intimate story with us. After looking at teenwire.com yesterday and how it describes little to no emotional complications after abortions, thank you for sharing your real story about the hurt (and healing) that comes after an abortion. May God bless you with continued healing. Thank you!Melissa
Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you, Sarah Mae, for your transparent honesty. I believe your story will help many.
I know you don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that your story really touched my heart. I personally have never had an abortion, but I have friends that have had one and have seen the way it wrecked their lives until they realized they were loved by the one true God and He forgave them. You have a beautiful soul, keep sharing your story, your touching the world!Michelle
Thank you so much Sarah! I'll be sure and add the button too!